The Road Home
by ChiTown4ever
Summary: Jay and Will Halstead didn't know their sister was back. When Jay finds out what she's going through, he knows it's all his fault. What he doesn't know is how to help her. But there are a couple of guys in the Intelligence Unit willing to try...if Jay doesn't kill them first.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fan fiction ever. I hope it's a fun read! Let me know what you think, I would love to hear your feedback.**

"Where is she?"

Maggie quickly stepped out from behind her desk at the nurses' station and held her hands up. "Jay…" she said. Her dark eyes were filled with compassion. Compassion and worry. It was the worry that added to his panic.

Jay looked past her frantically, trying to see into the treatment rooms. He ignored the chill of the night air that blew in the sliding doors behind him. "Where is she?" he demanded, louder this time.

"Will is with her, he'll come talk to you when—"

Jay's jaw was set like granite when he finally looked back down at the nurse blocking his path.

Maggie settled a gentle hand on Jay's arm and softened her tone. "Have a seat, Jay. I'll go see what I can find out. OK?"

Everything in Jay wanted to push past the nurse and go find his brother, find answers, but Maggie raised an eyebrow and cocked her head. He opened his mouth to argue and she cut him off. "I'll call security."

He let Maggie lead him to an uncomfortable molded plastic chair.

He let his folded hands fall between his knees. One foot jostled in an anxious rhythm. He kept his head down, his thoughts firmly under control. He hadn't even known she was in Chicago. Any time they strayed toward thinking the worst, or wondering what had happened… He latched on to that wandering thought leading toward a dark place and reined it in. Shoved it down. His jaw worked, his foot bounced more quickly.

He was about to spring up and demand answers when he saw Will walking toward him. And suddenly he couldn't move. Couldn't get up. He steeled himself for what his brother was going to say.

Will dropped into the empty chair next to him. Jay could see the effort it was taking his brother to appear calm. Will's hands, the hands of a surgeon, shook, and Will clasped them together, leaning forward and matching Jay's posture.

"She's going to be OK," he finally said without looking at Jay.

A breath whooshed out of a Jay. He hadn't realized he'd been holding it. She was OK. She was going to be OK.

His mind wouldn't let him rest with that good news, though. He was a detective. He needed answers. It didn't matter if a victim survived, if it was a happy ending. He needed to know what had happened.

"How did she end up here?" he demanded.

Will shook his head slightly, like he couldn't believe what he had to say. His blue eyes looked unseeingly in front of him. "She overdosed."

"What?" Jay snapped. He pulled back and looked toward the emergency department like he would be able to see her, to see answers.

Will shrugged helplessly. Jay could see Will's distress. He blamed himself. He should. They both should be blaming themselves. "She overdosed. A mix of sleeping pills and alcohol. Our little sister overdosed."

#

Jay followed Will through the Emergency Department. He almost ran into Will's back when his brother stopped in front of a treatment room. The curtain was pulled back, the sliding door open. And on the bed was their little sister.

He couldn't stop the sharp intake of breath when he saw Jess. Her skin was almost translucent, dark circles smudged under her eyes. Her hair, one shade lighter than his own brown, was caught back in a braid that fell over her shoulder. And she was still.

Will dropped a hand on Jay's shoulder and gave him a squeeze. "She's recovering. They pumped her stomach, but it's still going to take some time for the alcohol to work its way out of her system."

Jay approached the bed. It took everything in him to keep himself under control.

"Did you know she was home?" he asked Will without taking his eyes off their sister.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Will shake his head. "I didn't know she was discharged."

There it was. Jay could hear it in Will's tone. He turned sharply to face his older brother. "I didn't tell her to enlist," he bit out.

"No? You sure didn't stop her!" Will took a step toward him. Jay didn't back up.

"I was already overseas when she saw the recruiter! What about you? You were too busy partying in New York to take care of Jess!"

Will jabbed a finger into Jay's chest. "She looked up to you. You knew that! Of course if you signed up with the Army, she was going to follow after you. You were her hero!"

Jay gave Will a shove. Not because anything Will was saying was wrong. But because it was all true. And that made him angrier than anything else.

Will shoved Jay right back. Jay stumbled against a tray table, knocking it into the bed with a clatter.

"But you didn't tell her anything about what Army life was really like, did you, Jay?" Will demanded. He hurled the words at Jay with a fury Jay didn't know Will had.

Footsteps came running and Natalie quickly took in what was happening. She came to Will's side, putting a hand on his arm. "Will, this isn't going to help anything."

Will ignored her. "Did you tell her about the nightmares? The pit you fell into? That Mouse had to drag you home?"

Jay lunged for Will. He would have tackled him if the monitors attached to Jess hadn't alarmed suddenly.

Natalie pushed her way past both of them. Jess' body convulsed violently.

A nurse ran into the room and pushed her way past Jay.

"Push 5 of Ativan," Natalie ordered sternly, trying to reposition Jess to keep her from hurting herself.

Jay watched helplessly until Natalie looked up and saw him standing there. Maggie had run in after the first nurse and Natalie turned her attention back to Jess. "Maggie, get them out of here."

Jay shook his head. He wasn't going anywhere.

Will was getting an oxygen mask from the wall. Maggie grabbed it from him. "Take your brother out of here, Dr. Halstead."

"What? No, I'm staying."

"You're leaving," Dr. Choi said, coming into the room. He took Jay by the arm, but didn't pull him. Just squeezed enough to warn him.

Jay looked at his sister. The convulsions were slowing. Her eyes opened, rolled back in her head, and her head fell to the side.

"Out!" Natalie commanded. "Unless you two want to be removed from the hospital and not see Jess at all."

Jay shook off Choi's hand angrily and stormed out. He didn't care if Will followed or not. Because Will had been right. Jess was in this place because of Jay. The choices he had made. The weakness he had shown and then tried to hide from her.

He squeezed his eyes shut against the darkness that threatened to swamp his memories.

#

She had to get out of here. Jess Halstead lifted a hand to rub her bleary eyes, but stopped when she felt something pull at her hand. She looked down and saw an IV stuck into the pale skin on the back of her hand. She lifted her other hand, meaning to pull back the tape and get the IV out of her, but the oxygen monitor on her finger held her back. Muttering a curse, she pulled the monitor off, ignoring the alarm that set off. Before she was able to get the offending tape off her hand, someone moved to her bedside.

"You need to leave that in."

Jess bit back the retort that sprang to her lips. "I'm going," she said shortly.

"You need to rest. You aren't ready to be discharged."

Jess glanced up at the woman in maroon scrubs standing next to her bed. Her face was kind, but she looked like she wasn't going to be argued with.

Fine. So Jess wouldn't argue. Ignoring the woman, she ripped the tape free and pulled the IV out. She tossed it aside, leaving it to drip clear fluid onto the sheets.

She swung her feet over the side of the bed. The air was chilly on her bare legs. "Where are my clothes?" she demanded.

"I told you, you can't leave," the woman said again. Jess saw an MD after the woman's name on her ID badge. Natalie Manning. She made a move to help Jess lay back down. Jess responded by pulling the oxygen tubing from her face, grimacing when it got tangled in her light brown curls. She gritted her teeth and pushed up to stand. Blood ran down her hand from the vein where the IV had been inserted.

"I need some help in here!" the doctor called.

Jess wove unsteadily on her feet. She shook her head, trying to clear the groggy feeling weighing her down.

A pretty nurse rushed in so the two women framed her in. A dark haired doctor in scrubs that matched the other doctor's stood in front of her.

"I'm not staying," she said stubbornly. She swayed and the man in front of her reached out to keep her from falling. The nurse grabbed some gauze and pressed it to the back of her hand, slowing the blood that continued to seep out.

She had to move, had to leave. She couldn't let Will find out she was here.

"What's going on?" Her red haired brother ran into the room, skidding to a stop. His eyes ran over her, pausing on the blood on the floor, before quickly reading the last set of vitals on the monitor.

When he looked back at her, Jess recoiled. She looked away. She couldn't do this. She couldn't face Will. He would tell Jay and then—

"What's happening? Jess?" Jay's voice was sharp with worry. He came to a stop next to Will.

She tried to pull away, to hide, but there was nowhere to go. The doctor in front of her looked at her face and then ordered her brothers out of the room.

"I'm not going anywhere. She's my sister!" Jay lashed out. He took a step forward and the doctor turned toward him, blocking Jess behind his squared shoulders.

She was weak. She should be fighting her own battles, but she was too tired. Suddenly exhausted, hopeless, she sank back down to sit on the bed. The nurse kept a hand on her, brown eyes sympathetic.

"Come on, Will," the female doctor said, taking him by the arm. "Let's leave Dr. Choi with her. He'll take care of it."

Will glanced over at Jay. Jay was staring down Dr. Choi. His hands fisted, ready to fight.

"Please," Jess whispered. "Please leave." She bit her lips. Hard.

"Jess, don't do this," Jay said softly.

"Go!" she said harshly, turning her head away from them.

The doctor blocking her didn't move until both brothers finally left, pulling the curtain closed behind them.

He knelt down in front of her. "Are you alright?"

Jess glanced at his nametag. Ethan Choi. She didn't answer him. She didn't know the answer.

"Will was beside himself when the paramedics brought you in," he said.

"He didn't know I was back," Jess said quietly.

"Back from where?" he asked. She put on a pair of gloves, took an alcohol wipe from the cart near them and started cleaning the drying blood from Jess' hand.

"Overseas," she said.

"Will said you got discharged last month. Army?"

She flicked a look toward Dr. Choi when he spoke. "Yeah. I was a medic."

He handed her the oxygen tubing and helped her loop it back behind her ears and under her nose.

"The pills and drinks?" he asked.

"I just wanted…to sleep," she whispered. "To forget."

He didn't say anything. Just nodded.

"Where were you?" she asked. There was no missing the military bearing in his movements.

"Afghanistan," he answered.

"So you know." She wanted him to understand. Wanted to know there was someone who understood. That it wasn't just her.

"It's a hard road back," he said, the lines in his face deepening. "But you can get back."

Jess shook her head. Maybe Dr. Choi could get back. Maybe Jay could get back. But she doubted she ever would. Her mind was trapped on the battlefield.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much for the reviews and follows! I was so excited to actually post something, and to find out people actually read it just made my day! I hope this chapter draws you in further. :)**

#

Jay parked the 300 in the lot behind the 21st precinct. He gripped the steering wheel and stared through the windshield unseeingly. Memories flooded over him, through him, threatening to drown him. He squeezed his eyes shut. His breathing turned ragged.

A knock on his window jolted him back to reality. Chicago. The police station. Intelligence.

Mouse stood next to the car and Jay rolled his window down.

"You good?" Mouse asked. His fingers tapped against his leg. "You looked…not good for a minute there."

Jay nodded. He was good. He had to be. Jess needed him to be. She didn't need the broken brother who had barely made it home and struggled to keep a grip on reality.

"So you're good?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good." Jay rolled up the window and pocketed the keys. He got out of the car and fell into step alongside Mouse.

"You took off from Molly's fast last night," Mouse said, sliding a look toward Jay.

"Will called," Jay said. He stopped and glanced around, then lowered his voice. "My sister came home." He shook his head and clenched his jaw. "No. She didn't come home. She came to the hospital. In an ambulance."

Jay recognized the look on Mouse's face. His eyes widened and his fingers tapped faster. "Oh man. She just showed up in the hospital? In Will's hospital? That's got to be—he must have been—is she OK? What happened, man? What are you doing here?"

He was asking himself all the same questions as Mouse, and didn't have answers. He was at the precinct because there was nothing for him to do at the hospital. And there was too much silence in his apartment.

He didn't have to say any of that to Mouse. His friend, his Army brother, nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, you should be here. We've got your back here."

"No." Jay grabbed Mouse's arm and lowered his voice further. "No one knows yet. Alright? Not a word about Jess to anyone. I'll tell Erin, but no one else. I just…I need to figure out what to do about Jess first. She came back to the states a month ago," he paused. His jaw worked. "She's not doing well."

"Yeah man. I've got you. Not a word." Mouse nodded. "Just let me know what you need. What Jess needs."

"Right now I need to tell Erin why I bailed on her last night," Jay grimaced.

#

Jess wasn't going to wait around for discharge papers. She had had enough of papers and regulations and red tape in the Army to last her a lifetime.

And then there was the matter of her brothers. Will was going to give her a ride to his place as soon as Dr. Choi let him know she was cleared to leave. No doubt Jay would be there, too. And they would want to talk.

Jess found the tshirt she had been wearing when they brought her in. Wrinkled and worse for the wear, but better than the hospital gown she was currently wearing.

She slipped it on then pulled on her jeans and slipped her feet into her converse.

She rummaged through the drawers of the treatment cart in her room until she found bandage scissors and neatly sliced off her hospital bracelet. Keeping her head down, she ducked out of her room and walked quickly toward the exit.

From the trauma bay came a scream. Someone in pain.

Cold sweat trickled down Jess' back at the sound. Her fingers curled into her palms and her nails dug in, though she didn't feel any pain.

Keep walking. She ordered herself to put one foot in front of the other. Another scream, followed by the hurried voices of doctors and nurses. Black spots floated in front of her. She tried to slow her breathing even as her pace increased. She was running by the time she burst out the automatic doors into the parking lot.

She gulped in the fresh air. She pressed her clammy hands to her face and closed her eyes. Memories of screams, of the wounded, mingled with what she had just heard. Dust. So much dust in this desert she could hardly breathe.

"Jess?"

She could hear her captain's voice calling to her. Right before the bomb exploded.

"Jess!" Two hands, real hands, gripped her shoulders tightly.

Jess dropped her hands down to feel the very real and strong hands holding her. She opened her eyes. Where was she?

Jay's face came into focus. Jay was in Afghanistan still?

"Jess, you're OK," he said. His blue eyes drilled into hers, holding hers. "You're OK. I'm here. You're here, in Chicago. You're OK. You're safe."

Safe. There was no way she was safe. She shook her head. A siren pierced the air, coming closer. Was that an air raid siren? No, no, no, no. No more air strikes. No more IEDs. She couldn't handle any more.

"Jessica Halstead!" Jay snapped, giving her a little shake. "This is Chicago. Stay with me. Stay here."

Jess nodded. Someone else took her hand. "Let's get her to the car, Jay. Let's get her somewhere quiet."

The woman's voice was soothing. Slightly raspy, completely calm. Comforting. Jess looked at the woman. The woman, a brunette with honey highlights, smiled sympathetically. "Let's get you home, Jess."

As soon as she was in the car, in the backseat with Jay, the tremors started. The letdown of the pure adrenaline and panic. Jay reached over and grasped her hand. "It'll pass," he assured her.

Jess nodded. It would pass. She knew that. But she also knew she'd be dealing with it again. Tonight after a nightmare. Tomorrow after hearing the sound of gunfire on a television show. This was her life now. There was no escaping the war.

#

Jay unlocked his door and held it open for Erin and Jess to walk through.

Jess' eyes had cleared and her body had finally stilled during the drive to his apartment. She was supposed to stay at Will's, but Jay hadn't taken the time to go into the hospital and get Will's key. He had wanted to help her get settled at Will's and to see how she was doing. When he and Erin pulled up to Med, he had his answer.

His phone buzzed again. Now that they weren't in the car and Jess looked like she was settling down, he pulled it out of his jeans pocket. Will.

Erin nodded for him to get it while she led Jess to the couch and sat down with her.

"Hey," Jay said, answering his phone.

"Where are you?" Will demanded, skipping any pretense of civility. "I've been calling for the last 20 minutes."

Jay glanced over his shoulder and saw Jess smile weakly at something Erin said, then answer her. He moved into the kitchen. "I was bringing Jess home."

He could almost hear Will throw his hands up in frustration. "Well thanks for telling me she was with you. She left without telling anyone."

"Yeah, well, I figured as much when I found her running out of Med." No need to tell Will about the flashback Jess was in the middle of.

"And you think it's my fault she was out there? I was keeping an eye on her, she slipped out when I went to check on another patient. You could have stayed, Jay, and not gone into work this morning."

"And you could have made her a priority over your other patients," Jay retorted.

"I'm off now," Will said shortly. "I'll be there soon."

Jay cut the connection and tossed his phone on the counter. He caught himself before he stalked into the other room. He forced himself to count to ten, to take some slow breaths. When he had everything under control, he went to check on Jess.

"This was the summer before we lost our Mom," Jess was saying. The ghost of a smile flickered on her lips. She handed the framed picture to Erin. "She was already sick, but we still made our summer trip to the cabin. It was the last summer Will, Jay, and I were together. After Mom's funeral, Jay enlisted and Will was already in med school in New York."

"That must have been lonely," Erin said.

Jay didn't dare move and interrupt Jess.

Jess set the picture back on the end table before she spoke. "It wasn't a big deal," she said. Gone was the warmth from a minute ago. Her voice was stoic. "I avoided my dad as much as possible and did the first thing that would get me out of the house."

"You enlisted," Erin said.

Jess' face shuttered. She pulled back from Erin and looked away. She saw Jay. "Nice place, Jay," she said.

"Thanks," he said. "You can stay here and I'll take the couch. Otherwise Will has a guest room at his place."

Jess shook her head. Her eyes darted around the room, avoiding Jay.

"You have to have somewhere to stay, Jess."

Somewhere we can keep an eye on you. He didn't say the words, but they hung unspoken in the air.

Jess got up. "I'm not staying with you or Will," she said, shaking her head.

Her lips trembled and she looked younger than 22.

"Where else are you going to stay?" Jay asked. He stepped toward Jess. Big mistake.

She backed up quickly, knocking against a chair. The scrape of it across the wood floor visibly jolted her. Her eyes scanned the room, looking for an escape.

"Not here," she answered.

"Jay," Erin said under her breath. A warning for him to slow down, to back off.

Jay stopped and held his hands up. "Let's just talk. We all want to help you, Jess."

She shook her head quickly. Jay saw the guilt, the fear, the torture all mixed together in an expression that was familiar to Jay. It was the same look he had seen every time he looked in a mirror after he got home from his tour. When he had been able to face himself in the mirror.

Jess continued to back away until her back hit the door.

"Hey, Jess, your brothers and I just really want to be there for you. Let's talk about how we can do that," Erin said. She didn't stand or move. Her voice stayed calm and reassuring.

Jess shook her head frantically. "No. No one can help."

Before Jay could see it coming, she had a hand on the doorknob. In one motion, she opened the door and ran down the hallway. She ran away from the people who could help her.


	3. Chapter 3

**This story is slowing changing from where I originally thought I would go with it. I'd love to hear any suggestions or prompts since I have no idea where it's going now. I think it's going to be a fun ride, though!**

"She's at Dad's."

Will didn't bother with any niceties as Sargent Platt let him upstairs into the Intelligence bullpen.

Jay stood up from his desk. "She's safe?" he asked.

"Dad just called. She showed up there yesterday. He didn't say anything else."

Jay shook his head, letting out a breath of disgust. "Nice of him to let us know."

Will didn't disagree. "Do you want to head over there with me?"

Jay nodded, grabbing his lightweight jacket from the back of his chair. He looked to Erin. "Will you tell Voight?"

"Of course," she said.

Jay didn't explain himself to the rest of the team, muttering 'family issues' to Dawson when the detective asked if everything was alright.

Jay didn't say anything to Will in the car. He slouched back in his seat, focused on Jess, on the fact that she had turned up. It had only been two days since she had taken off and all Jay had learned during that time was that she didn't have any friends in the city. She wasn't still in touch with anyone from high school and had kept to herself when she was home on leave. It wasn't the makings of a support system for someone trying to survive PTSD, that was for sure.

Will pulled up in front of the narrow two story house they had all grown up in. Not their home. It hadn't been a home since their mom had died.

Jay gave a perfunctory knock on the door before opening it. Pat Halstead sat in his recliner and barely glanced up from the game on the television set.

"She's upstairs," he said, turning his attention back to the game.

Jay gritted his teeth. He heard Will's sigh and followed him up the staircase.

The room they had shared was at the end of the hall. Jess' room was on the right. Her door was open.

"Hey," Will said quietly, not entering. Jay quickly scanned the room. Her Army issued duffel bag sat full on the floor. Nothing had changed in the room since she had graduated and left home. The same pale pink walls their mother had painted. The same pictures cut out of a magazine of Jess' favorite athletes tacked to the wall. The mirror that had hung over the vanity was leaning against the wall on the closet floor, turned away so no reflection showed. That was new. Jay remembered how hard it used to be to see his reflection staring back at him after what he had seen overseas. After what he had done. He took in the gun sitting on the nightstand, incongruent with the white lace lampshade on the bedside lamp.

Jess was sitting cross legged on the bed. She stood when Will greeted her, but didn't move toward her brothers.

"Where'd you go, Jess?" Jay blurted out. He was pretty sure Erin wouldn't have approved. "Two days is a long time to not let anyone know where you are. If you're OK."

Guilt pulled at their sister's pretty features. She rubbed her hands together as if her palms were clammy. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I needed some space."

"Well you got it," Jay said sharply.

Will cleared his throat and stepped between them in a subtle move. "We're just glad you're OK. That you came back. You had us worried, kid." He pulled her into a hug. Jess stiffened, then reached her arms around Will.

"I'm sorry," she apologized again.

She pulled away from Will's embrace uncomfortably and Jay wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Do you want to go home with Will or me?"

She looked down at her feet. "I'm going to stay here, Jay."

"Here?" Jay asked. "With Dad?"

"It's familiar," she said softly. "And he won't force me to talk."

"No, he sure won't." Jay looked to Will for back up. "He won't talk to you at all."

Jess set her jaw. "It's what I need right now."

"What you need right now?" Jay asked. "This is what you need right now? To not face yourself in the mirror? To sleep with a gun under your pillow so you don't have to fear the nightmares?"

Too far. Jay could see that right away. Jess hugged her arms to herself. "You should go."

"We're just worried about you," Will said, ducking his head so she met his eyes.

"Don't," she said sharply.

Will took a deep breath and tried again. "I'm meeting up with friends tomorrow when I get off shift. Why don't you come? Get out and get distracted for a little while."

Jess started to shake her head.

"If you want us to give you space, you have to give us something, Jess. Seeing a loaded gun next to your bed isn't exactly instilling confidence in us."

Jess crossed quickly to the gun and slipped it into a drawer.

"Oh yeah, I feel so much better now," Jay said. Will elbowed him at the sarcasm.

"Erin and I will be there, too," Jay said, softening his tone. "You should come and get to know her better. I know she wants to get to know you."

"I'll…I'll try," she said finally.

Jay nodded. It was progress. It would have to be enough for now.

He and Will made their way back downstairs.

"We'll see you, Dad," Will said.

Pat grunted.

"Hey, Dad," Jay said, instead of returning the grunt. "Maybe you could, you know, put just a little effort into keeping an eye on your daughter. The daughter who is sleeping with a loaded gun every night."

"What are you talking about?" Pat asked, looking over at them.

"Dad, Jess got discharged a month ago and only showed up this week. She didn't tell any of us she got out. That doesn't seem strange to you? Like maybe she's not herself?" Will asked.

"She's fine," Pat stated staunchly. "She's a Halstead."

Jay wanted to remind his father of how he had returned from Afghanistan. Of how hard it was to put himself back together. But if seeing him go through it firsthand hadn't convinced his dad of his brokenness, reminding him wouldn't do anything.

"She overdosed two days ago!"

Pat scowled. "She just had a little too much. It happens."

"Just keep an eye on her, alright?" Will asked, exasperated.

Another grunt and Pat settled back to watch the game.

"Thanks Dad. Appreciate the help," Jay said sarcastically giving him a salute.

Jay got into the car and looked up at the house. The house where his sister was broken and refused to admit it.

#

Jess got out of the cab in front of Molly's. The ornately carved dark wood doors looked welcoming.

Jess blocked out the sounds on the street. Her crossbody bag that served as a purse felt too light without a weapon in it. She had had a weapon strapped to her side for nearly four years. She couldn't get used to being without it. Being unprotected.

She pulled open the doors and stepped inside.

Overhead twinkle lights hung suspended from the ceiling. Original exposed brick made up the walls. It was peaceful.

"Jess!" Will called from a table near the back. At least a half dozen heads turned to see who he was calling to, including Jay and Erin.

It had been peaceful.

Gripping her bag, she made her way across the bar.

"Hey, I'm glad you came," Erin said in her raspy voice, her smile sincere.

Jess tried to return the smile. She was pretty sure she failed.

Will introduced her to the crowd and told her the names of the mix of his coworkers an Jay's.

"Antonio, Kevin, Mouse, and you already met April and Natalie."

Jess grimaced. She had met them at Med when they took care of her.

"Hi, Jess," Natalie said earnestly. "I'm glad you're here."

"What're you having?" Kevin asked. "I'm heading up for another round."  
"Whatever you're having," Jess said. She sat down on the stool Antonio pulled up for her and set her bag on the table.

Jay leaned over to her. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Embarrassment clashed with annoyance.

"Hey, it's fine Jay," the guy called Mouse said. He gave Jay a pointed look.

"Really Mouse? Because I seem to remember at least a dozen times you cut me off or told me when I shouldn't be drinking."

"You know what?" Jess said, sliding off her stool. "I shouldn't have come. This was a bad idea."

She was pretty sure Will kicked Jay under the table. She wished he would have aimed higher.

"Jess, ignore him. You should stay."

Jess shook her head at Will's words. Awkward tension had settled over the table. Because of her.

She glared at Jay. Picking up the shot glass in front of him she downed it and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Really mature," Jay said. "Thanks for proving how well you can handle this."

Erin pressed her lips together and shook her head at Jay.

Jess turned to go.

She was almost to the door when she heard her name.

"Jess! Hey Jess! Wait a minute."

She stopped and saw Mouse jogging after her.

"Look, I know you're brother is being, well, he's not being smart. He's being, I mean, I know how he's being. He means well, but he's not doing it right."

"Yeah." Jess just wanted to leave.

"OK, so he's being stupid. And stubborn. And I know that. Pretty much everyone knows that." Mouse's words came quickly, but his eyes were earnest and never left hers. "But he's been where you are and wants to help. A lot of people want to help. You should let them."

Jess shook her head. "I don't need help."

"OK, I get that. I hear you. But the thing is, when I came back with Jay, I needed help. I had a lot of trouble getting my act together. It took longer than it should have."

Jess looked at him more closely. He didn't look like a soldier. His nervous speech, his shaggy haircut.

Over his shoulder, she saw Jay making his way toward them.

"I've got to go," she said. She made it out the door before she had to talk to either of her brothers again.

Outside, she leaned against the limestone building and took a deep breath of night air.

"Pretty early to be needing the wall to hold you up," came an amused voice.

Jess opened her eyes and saw a guy with a five o'clock shadow about to head into Molly's.

"You haven't met my brother," she said wryly.

He let out a laugh. "He's in there?"

"And that's why I'm out here."

The guy smiled. He was good looking. His hair ruffled just enough and his smile just friendly enough.

"So do you want to get out of here?" he asked.

Jess didn't hesitate. That was all she wanted. "Yes."

"I'm Adam," he said. "Ruzek."


	4. Chapter 4

Jess fingered the bottle of pills in her jacket pocket. She knew how to take the edge off. How to stop thinking about Jay and Will back at Molly's. She didn't have to bother ignoring their calls since she had left her bag and phone on the table at the bar.

Adam threaded his way through the crowd to her, holding their drinks. Jess took her hands out of her pockets to take one of the beers. She tried to smile her thanks and couldn't quite manage it. She took a long drink and handed it back to Adam. "I need to run to the restroom," she said.

In the ladies' room, she looked in the mirror. She didn't recognize the woman staring back. She didn't know who she was anymore.

She tossed back three of the pills. She left without looking in the mirror again.

#

"Nice work, Jay," Will snapped. He grabbed for Jess' bag.

Jay reached out to pull the bag toward himself. "You think letting her drink is a good idea? Amazing logic, Dr. Halstead." He matched Will's sarcasm.

"Guys, c'mon," Erin said. "This isn't going to help."

"You know what else won't help?" Jay asked, without taking his eyes off Will. "Bringing Jess to a bar the same week she overdosed."

"And locking her in her room would be a good plan?" Will asked.

Natalie held up her hands in a peacemaker's gesture. "You're both worried about Jess. Everyone's emotions are running high. Why don't you guys take a step back—"

"Oh don't worry," Jay said, snatching up Jess' bag. "I'm going to step way back. All the way out of here. I'll let Dad know if she calls."

Jay stalked out of Molly's. He was tempted to go back in there and knock Will right off his barstool. The truce he had managed with Will only seemed to be manageable when they were facing their dad together.

"Jay," Erin called, stepping outside behind him.

Jay stopped and waited for her to catch up to him. One side of her mouth raised in a sympathetic smile. "It will be OK. It's going to take time." She wrapped her arms around his waist and tilted her head back to look at him. "Let Will help you. Let me help you."

Jay shook his head, but held back the words he wanted to unleash. It wasn't Erin's fault. This wasn't Erin's problem. He needed to deal with it. To fix Jess. But time was something he didn't have. Something Jess could be running out of if she overdosed again.

#

Jess sank back into the leather seat in Adam's car and watched the city lights go past. The spun faster and faster until they blurred together.

"So where can I take you," Adam was asking. "Where's home?"

Jess' head was heavy. Everything was starting to slow down. Finally. She let her head drop against the window and closed her eyes.

"Hey, Jess," Adam said. She thought she heard concern edging into his voice, but couldn't seem to get her mouth to work to answer him.

Home. Home would be good. Would Adam be able to find her a home? It had been a long time since she felt like she belonged anywhere.

"Jess," he said, more sharply.

"Hmmmm?" There. She got her voice to work.

She thought the car was stopped, but the lights still spun in front of her.

"Hey, are you on something?" Adam demanded. He reached over and stuck a hand in her jacket pocket. When it came up empty, he reached across to the other one.

Jess heard the rattle of the bottle as he pulled it free.

"Did you take these?"

"Mmm-hmmm," she said, closing her eyes. Finally. Sleep. Had it been two days or three since she had slept? Didn't matter. She could sleep now.

"How many?"

Jess sighed heavily and sank further into the seat. So comfortable. Someone was shaking her shoulder. Annoyed, Jess tried to pull away. Why couldn't he leave her alone? Was it Jay or Will bugging her this time?

"How many did you take?" Adam's voice demanded.

"How many what?" Jess asked. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? She was finally able to stop thinking. Stop remembering.

"How many pills did you take?"

Adam's palm tapped her cheek repeatedly, slapping her lightly. Groggily, Jess tried to push his arm away. What was the question again? If she answered would he let her sleep? "Two," she said. Or was it three? Maybe four. Why wouldn't he leave her alone. "Just two," she said.

Adam stopped trying to wake her and Jess sighed in relief as he positioned her back against her seat.

"You can sleep it off at my place," he said. "Is there someone I should call?"

"Don't call my brothers," she murmured, finally passing out.

#

Ruzek grunted as he shifted Jess' weight so he could unlock the door of his apartment.

He made it inside and managed to shut the door with his foot. He carried the girl to the couch and laid her down. Her light brown hair was falling out of its ponytail and into her face. He brushed it back.

Sitting down on the coffee table, he studied her. Somebody he had met outside a bar and turned out to be a user. Probably he should be arresting her since it wasn't her name on the pill bottle.

But first he had to make sure she made it through the night.

He fished his phone from his pocket and started to dial on instinct. Kim. She would know what to do. How to get out of the mess of having a drug user passed out on his couch.

But then he would be forced to tell his ex-fiance that he had met a girl at Molly's, barhopped with her, and she was now incoherent in his apartment. Not going to happen. He scrolled through to a different contact and hit the call button.

"Hey, Dawson. It's Ruzek. I have a question for your sister. Can I get her number?"

He shook his head at Dawson's return question. "Nothing like that, man. I know she's married. Just a medical thing."

Ruzek grabbed a pen from the side table and scribbled the number on a corner of last week's newspaper.

Hanging up with Dawson, he watched Jess' slow even breaths for a minute. She seemed ok. Two pills didn't seem like a lot. But mixed with however much she drank tonight, he had to be sure. And since he didn't know her last name, or who the obnoxious brother she was avoiding at Molly's was, he would be bringing a Jane Doe into Med. He didn't want to do that to her.

"Hey, Gabby. It's Ruzek," he said. "Look, I have a question for you." He paused as Jess stirred slightly. "I met a girl tonight. She took something." He searched her pocket again for the bottle.

Jess rolled over and Ruzek put a hand on her to keep her from getting too close to the edge of the couch.

Gabby was pretty reassuring that Jess could sleep off what she took. Her respirations were steady and not too slow. Ruzek put a finger to her throat and felt the steady pulse, strong and evenly paced.

He thanked Gabby and slid his hand down to Jess' shoulder when he disconnected the call.

Like it or not, he was going to be up watching the stranger on his couch tonight. He took a blanket from the armchair and dropped it over her then sank back into the chair.

It was nearly 4 am when something woke Ruzek. He startled awake, reaching for the holster he wasn't wearing.

"NO!" came the scream again. "NO!"

He hadn't closed the blinds and the city light bathed the figure on his couch in light. Enough that he could see her put her hands up to shield herself and cry out again. "No more! Don't shoot!"

"Hey, hey," he said softly, quickly crossing to her. "Wake up."

She struck out at him and caught him on the cheekbone with a solid hit. He cursed and fell back. The hit stinging, he ignored it and got back to her side. "Wake up, Jess. It's a dream." More careful this time, he helped her sit up even as she fought him.

"I can't take anymore," she was crying. "No more, please!"

She struggled against an invisible enemy and Ruzek held her arms so she couldn't hurt herself. Or him again. "Wake up, Jess. It's a dream. You're dreaming."

Her blue eyes finally opened and she looked around, disoriented. Her gaze locked in on Ruzek. "You're safe," he promised.

She nodded, but her eyes were hollow. Her body started to tremble.

Ruzek moved from where he was kneeling on the floor. He pulled her close as he sat down next to her on the couch. He held her as the tremors coursed through her body. He didn't let go until they slowed and her breathing leveled off again.

The unexpected date he had brought home was asleep again, peacefully this time. But he was wide awake. He had brought home a girl that had way bigger problems than the pills she took.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys. I hope you're enjoying the story. I'm having fun with it! I'm not sure what's going to happen with Jess and Ruzek... I'm not totally sold on them yet. But, Jess isn't sold on him either. :) Leave a comment with prompts or feedback!**

Jess opened her eyes and squinted against the early morning sun. She groaned and pushed herself up to sitting. A noise had her quickly looking behind, alert and fully awake.

This wasn't her dad's house.

"Hey there."

And that wasn't her dad.

She squinted at him, trying to remember his name. Alex? Andrew? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. What happened last night?

"I'm making toast. You want some?"

Jess shook her head. She stood uncertainly, looking around. She had slept on the couch. She looked to the man in front of her with a question in her eyes.

"Nothing happened. Besides you passing out and me bringing you home to sleep it off on my couch."

"Right," she said quietly. She hugged her lightweight jacket more closely around herself. "Thanks for that."

He was studying her face. Jess shoved her hands in her pockets. Her empty pockets. She looked around.

"I flushed them," he said unapologetically.

Jess took a step toward him. He flushed her pills down the toilet? "Those weren't yours to do that," she said.

He ignored her anger. "Do you need a ride somewhere?"

Jess raked her fingers through her hair in frustration. She needed to find Jay and get her bag and phone. She looked over at the stranger, still unshaven and in clean jeans and a Henley shirt. He didn't look like he was on his way to work. She could just imagine what Jay would say when he saw her with some guy after storming out of Molly's and taking off for the night.

"I'll take the el," she said. "I have to go meet my brother." She started toward the door, then hesitated when she remembered she didn't have any money for fare.

"Here," the man said coming up behind her. He pressed a twenty into her hand. "Take care of yourself." Concern was etched on his face.

Jess shook off his worry. Worrying about her was a waste of time. His and her brother's.

"Thanks again," she said. She slipped the bill into her pocket and headed out the door.

Once outside the apartment building, Jess freed her hair from the braid it was barely contained in anymore. She made an effort to pull it back into a bun at the base of her neck, but wasn't sure how much of an improvement it was. She looked at the street signs on the corner, not sure of where she was. If her house key wasn't in her bag, she would skip finding Jay and head straight to her dad's. Instead, she was going to be letting the walk of shame carry her straight to Jay down at the police station. And if he didn't have her bag, over to Will at Chicago Med. She clenched her jaw and started walking.

#

Jay checked his phone again. No new messages. Of course not. Jess had only stormed out of Molly's ten hours ago. She would let him and Will worry for at least another ten hours.

"Do you want me to talk to Platt? Have some patrols keep their eyes open for her?" Erin asked.

Jay set his phone down on his desk. "She'd be furious."

"Yeah, she would," Erin agreed. She raised her eyebrows at him meaningfully.

Jay glanced over at the bullpen, empty except for Kevin and Burgess coming up the stairs. "I can't not do anything," he said quietly. "She's not safe."

"She's also not a child," Erin responded.

Jay opened his mouth to respond, but the phone on his desk rang. He gave Erin a look saying he still didn't agree with her and picked up the receiver. "Halstead."

He listened intently. "Yeah. I'll be down," he said. "Thanks, Sargent." He stood as he hung up the phone. "I have a visitor," he told Erin. "One guess who it is." He jogged toward the stairs.

Sitting on the bench in the lobby of the precinct was Jess. She was hunched over, staring down at her sneakers. Jay slowed down as he approached her.

"Jess," he said before he got too close.

She looked up.

She looked awful. Jay set his jaw. He tried to think of Erin's unspoken advice. He tried to follow Erin's advice.

"I have your bag."

Jess' hands were clenched together. She nodded shortly. "That's what I'm here for."

Jay returned her nod, an exact mirror of her gesture. "Come on upstairs."

She looked at the stairs and shook her head. "I'll wait here."

Jay's brows knit. "Is there a reason you don't want to come up to intelligence?" He glanced over at Sargent Platt behind her desk. She wasn't pretending to not listen in. He took a step closer to Jess and blocked her from Platt's view. "Do you have something with you?"

An annoyed look crossed Jess' face, but she shook her head. "I'm clean. Nothing on me."

"Then come upstairs. Meet the team." He didn't know who she was spending her nights with, but broadening her social contacts would go a long way toward pulling her back to where she belonged.

He hoped.

With a heavy sigh, Jess stood. She stayed an arm's length away from Jay, but followed him silently to the stairs. She waited without speaking while he punched in the code and held his hand over the palm scanner, then passed through the gate when he held it open.

She looked like she wanted to shrink into her jacket when they got up to the bullpen. Jay watched her eyes scan the room, taking inventory of the guns and their locations, edging to the left so a wall was at her back. He knew the tactics. He had used them for too long himself.

Erin rose from her desk. "Hi Jess," she said. She earned a small smile in response from Jess.

Jay moved to block his sister's right side, knowing how vulnerable she would feel with the stairs there where someone could approach suddenly.

Olinsky had come in while Jay was downstairs and looked up from his desk. "This your sister, Jay?" he asked.

Jay nodded. He started to put an arm around Jess, then thought better of it. "This is Jess."

Kevin smiled from where he sat on the edge of Burgess' desk. "Hey. Good to see you again."

Jess glanced at Jay. "Sure," she said. Jay could tell she was remembering the tension at Molly's last night that Kevin witnessed.

Burgess approached with a big smile. "So nice to meet you, Jess. Jay said his sister was back. Were you away at school?"

Jay felt Jess stiffen next to him. "I was…" Her eyes shifted away from Burgess. Jay could see her respirations start to increase. "I was deployed," she said.

"You're home now," Jay said under his breath. "Think about what's right here."

"Hey, Kim, I have a question for you," Erin said, motioning Burgess over.

"I'm glad we met," Burgess said, still smiling, but concern in her expressive brown eyes. She went to Erin. Jay watched his girlfriend whisper something to Burgess, discreetly nodding toward Jess.

"My bag," Jess said tightly. She jammed her hands into her pockets. Her shoulders were a straight line of tension.

"It's on my desk." Jay went to get it. Jess stayed put, head down, but her eyes alert to everything around her.

She grabbed it from Jay when he handed it to her. Slinging it on, crossbody style, she took a step back.

"Do you want to stay for awhile?" Jay asked. He tried to sound casual, unworried. Like he wasn't freaking out at not knowing what Jess did all day. At the thought of her being alone. "You could hang out here."

Jess was already backing away. "Thanks for holding onto my bag." She turned and jogged down the steps and right into Ruzek coming up the stairs.

#

Jess crashed into a solid wall of a person. She quickly pulled away, trying to shove down the rising panic that threatened.

"Sorry," came the man's voice. Hands reached out to steady her.

Jess was about to fight the hands off when the voice registered. It was familiar.

She tilted her head up and saw the stranger from last night.

She saw the recognition flash into his eyes, then confusion.

"Jess?" he asked.

She opened her mouth, but couldn't remember his name. Aaron?

"Adam," he reminded her, seeing her confusion.

"Ruzek!" came a sharp bark from behind her. "Get your hands off my sister!"

Adam quickly released Jess. She hadn't realized he still had his hands resting lightly on her upper arms.

Jay shouldered his way between them. "You ok?" he asked Jess.

"Fine," she said, more shaken by seeing Adam unexpectedly at Jay's precinct than by the collision.

Jay squared off with Adam, raising his eyebrows. "Get away. Give her space."

Adam raised his hands and took a step back down the stairs. His eyes went between Jess and Jay.

"He's your brother? Halstead?" he asked. Catching himself he turned his attention to Jay. "She's your sister. I didn't know your sister was in town."

Jess avoided his eyes. Adam worked with Jay. Of course. He was a cop like her brother. And he could tell her brother everything.

"I've got to go," she muttered, starting down the stairs again, gripping the strap of her bag tightly.

She made it downstairs and almost to the door when she heard her name.

"Jess."

She waited for Adam to catch up to her, glancing toward the gate that blocked Intelligence from the rest of the station.

Adam glanced back over his shoulder, too. No Jay. "Hey, I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't know Jay was your brother."

"And I didn't know he was your coworker," she said shortly.

Adam leaned in closer, lowering his voice. "Does he know? About…"

"About the drugs?" she asked. She saw the desk sergeant look up at the two of them and lowered her voice. "He knows." She fidgeted with the strap of her bag.

"And the nightmares?" His eyes locked onto hers. Jess tore her gaze away.

"Tell him whatever you want," she said, backing away. "I have to get out of here."

"Jess," Adam said. "Just hang on."

Shaking her head, Jess turned and pushed through the door. She had no idea where she was going.


	6. Chapter 6

**I didn't plan on posting twice today, but I'm excited I was able to! My fingers are crossed that I get some feedback from this latest chapter (and the last one). Because otherwise, I have no idea who Jess is headed down the road with. Does anyone have an opinion?**

"What was that?" Jay demanded as soon as Ruzek came back to the bullpen.

Ruzek held his hands up again. "Nothing, man. I bumped into her. Didn't know it was your sister." He kept walking toward his own desk.

Jay started toward him. Erin quickly got up from her own desk and laid a hand on Jay's shoulder. "Jay, let's get some air. Take a break."

"I don't need air," he said without taking his eyes off Ruzek. "What I need is to know why Ruzek was manhandling my baby sister."

Ruzek ignored him, turning on his computer. "I'm going to update my CI files. Way behind on that."

Jay gave him a hard shove on the shoulder. Ruzek jumped out of his chair, but didn't strike back.

Olinsky was between them in a heartbeat. Kevin and Burgess nearby and ready.

Dawson approached Jay calmly. "Jay, there's no need for this."

"You're going to tell me why you seemed so familiar with Jess. You had an awful lot to talk about for someone who just bumped into a stranger on the stairs."

Ruzek shook his head and shoved his hands in his back pockets. "There's nothing to tell, Jay."

It was the wrong answer. Jay lunged forward. Kevin caught him by the arms and held him back.

"Hey!" Voight's raspy yell brought everyone to a standstill. He stood in the doorway of his office. He looked at the scene in front of him. "Halstead," he called and went back in his office, expecting Jay to follow without question.

Jay stared hard at Ruzek. Ruzek shook his head, no guilt on his face. With a sound of frustration, Jay turned and went to Voight's office.

"Close the door," Voight said, leaning back in his desk chair.

Jay closed the door then took the seat across from the desk that Voight nodded to.

"You want to tell me why I've got my detectives brawling in my bullpen?"

"It's under control," Jay said tightly.

"That was under control?" Voight said, eyebrows raising slightly.

"It won't happen again, Sarge," Jay finally said. "It's a personal thing between me and Ruzek."

Voight watched him without moving. He let the moment drag. When Jay finally fidgeted slightly, he spoke. "The thing is, Halstead, it's not personal when it's affecting my team. So what we're going to do, is you're going to tell me what's going on. Otherwise you're taking furlough and getting this personal matter straightened out on your own time."

Jay took a deep breath. He nodded. "My sister just got back. Afghanistan. It's…" He paused, his jaw working. "It's not going well. She's struggling."

Voight nodded. "And you're going to fix her?"

Jay's eyes snapped to meet Voight's directly. "I've been where she is. I'm not going to let her down."

Voight leaned forward. "And if she doesn't let you help her?"

"She's my sister." Jay bit out the words precisely. "I'm not failing."

"Alright," Voight said. "But you tell your team, you tell me, what you need. She's your family and that means she's one of us."

Jay nodded, uncomfortable with the knot in his throat. Voight motioned toward the door and Jay took his cue to exit.

Erin was waiting for him. "What was that with Ruzek?"

Jay shook his head. "It was nothing."

She fell into step with him and followed him to the break room. She leaned against the counter while he poured a cup of coffee.

"Do you want to take a ride? Make sure she got back to your dad's alright?"

Jay set down his mug of coffee and breathed out a sigh. "Yes."

#

Jess sank back in the café booth. She opened her messenger bag and took out her phone. She passed it from one hand to the other, lost in thought. She didn't have anyone to call. She didn't have anywhere to be. Nothing in her life was meaningful anymore.

She started to reach for her pocket before remembering it was empty. She thought of Adam. He had no idea the demons she was using those pills to fight. If he did, there was no way he would have got rid of them, even if he was a cop.

She shoved her phone back in her bag and dropped her head into her hands.

"Can I sit?"

Jess startled up at the voice.

Jay's friend Mouse stood next to the booth, waiting for her answer.

Jess reluctantly pulled her bag closer to her, a subtle invitation for him to join her.

Mouse sat across from her. "I heard you stopped by the precinct this morning."

Jess didn't answer.

"It didn't sound like it went well." Mouse waited for her to say something, his face open, friendly.

"Nothing is going well," Jess finally answered.

"Yeah. I remember that transition out. It's not good. It wasn't good for Jay. I made the first part of the discharge ok because I had to hold it together, to get Jay home. Once he was home, things sort of fell apart."

Jess finally met his eyes. "Did you…" she didn't say it. She didn't even know what part of the mess she wanted to ask him about.

"Probably," he said, answering all her scenarios succinctly. He tapped a finger on the table rhythmically. "So did Jay."

At the mention again of Jay, Jess' face closed off. She sat back. "Did he send you to find me?"

"Nah. I pinged your phone." Mouse gave her a crooked grin.

Jess couldn't help herself. She felt a small smile tug at her lips.

"You want to order?" Mouse asked, reaching for a menu. "I could use some fries."

#

Jess couldn't remember the last time she felt so lighthearted. She laughed at Mouse's story about his first introduction to Erin.

"So she's used to meeting the people in Jay's life that just can't seem to get their act together?" she said, her smile growing serious.

Mouse put his car in park in front of her dad's house. "Erin doesn't see people that way. She holds out a lot of hope for people who seem lost."

Jess looked down at her hands.

"So does Jay," Mouse added.

Jess' smile was completely gone. "They're bound to be disappointed."

"They don't have to be."

Jess let out a doubtful laugh. She opened her car door. "Thanks for today." She met his eyes again and hoped he could see what she wasn't able to say.

"Anytime," he said. He reached into the console and took out a card and a pen. Scribbling his cell phone number on it, he handed it to her. "Anytime," he said again, making sure she was looking at him and understood he meant it.

Jess slipped the business card into her pocket and got out of the car. She jogged up the porch steps and unlocked the door. Before going in, she turned to wave to Mouse and watched him drive away.

She hesitated in the doorway. The silence in the house was palpable. Her dad wasn't home yet. She saw the light on the answering machine blinking at a pace that alerted her to several missed calls. Probably messages that were repeats of the ones she had ignored on her own phone. Jay and Will checking in. Wanting to know where she was. If she was ok.

Jess tried for a smile and managed a slight one. Mouse had told her she could do this. She took a deep breath and ignored the lengthening shadows. She could do this. Tonight she wouldn't take anything to help her sleep. She'd keep the gun in her closet, not under her pillow.

Tonight was a new start. She had to make it a new start.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for the feedback, guys!**

 **Don't worry, Kathleen- there are plenty of setbacks still coming for Jess. (And for Jay).**

 **Guest- I hadn't thought of Adam supporting Jay, but I'm intrigued by that idea!**

 **I'm so curious as to whether there's anyone cheering for Jess and Mouse. I don't have any promises about who she's going to end up with. But I think there may be some wavering back and forth along the way.**

Jay reached for his phone. Erin laid her hand over his.

"She's not answering, Jay. She doesn't want to talk." Her words were quiet, but firm enough to carry over the conversation that filled Molly's around them.

Jay shook his head. "She doesn't know what she wants. What she needs."

"And you do?"

The words grated on him. A repeat of his conversation with Voight earlier. It wasn't the words that bothered him. It was the truth behind them. He didn't know what his sister needed. He didn't know how to help her.

Mouse approached their table. He held up a pitcher of beer. "You got room for a third wheel?"

Erin smiled and used her foot to move out the stool next to hers. "If you don't mind drinking with a very, very moody Detective Halstead."

Jay ignored her, tapping a text into his phone. Erin sighed.

"You buying, Mouse?" Kevin asked, coming up to the table. Ruzek came up behind him.

"You know what?" Erin said. "I've got this round." She took Jay's phone from his hands and slid it into her pocket. She raised her eyebrow, daring him to challenge her.

Jay closed his mouth, thinking better of what he was about to say. He picked up his beer glass and took a long drink. Erin headed for the bar.

"Your sister coming tonight?" Kevin asked.

Jay took another drink.

"Ok," Kevin said. "None of my business. That's cool." He picked up his own beer to cover the awkward silence at the table.

Jay looked over at Ruzek and his eyes narrowed. Ruzek took a drink of his beer. Before he could respond, Erin came back carrying a tray of shots.

She picked one up. "Let's drink to Jess. She's home, she's safe, and she'll find her way." She spoke to the entire table, but kept her eyes on Jay. She silently promised that she was on his side. That she was with him.

"I'll drink to that. To Jess and finding her way," Mouse said, lifting his own glass.

Ruzek lifted one, but didn't say anything. He glanced down at his phone, vibrating with a call. He set the glass down. He hit the green call answer button as he walked away from the table.

"Hey, Detective Ruzek?"

"Yeah. What's up Danny?" Ruzek glanced behind him to make sure no one at the table could overhear his conversation with his CI.

"You said to call if I had that girl come around trying to buy anything. She came over tonight."

Ruzek tried to keep the disappointment from dropping in. He had known this was going to happen.

"Thanks, Danny," he said. "Lunch is on me next week." He ended the call and stood still. Now he had to figure out what to do with the information he had.

#

Jess sat on her bed. A bottle of pills in one hand and Mouse's card in the other.

She had been so hopeful after spending an afternoon with her brother's friend. And then the sun had set. She had paced the house, checking locks, jumping at noises. When she heard footsteps on the porch, she had nearly gone to get her gun. And when she realized it was just her dad, she had stood next to the front door trying to get her breathing back under control, fighting against the flashbacks that pressed in. Her dad had settled into his armchair like he didn't notice his daughter falling to pieces in front of him. That's when Jess had gone to find something to get her through the night.

Mouse had said he had struggled when he came home. It took him time to get his life together. She turned the card over and looked at the number scrawled there. She absentmindedly shook the bottle of pills. 10 pills. Not very many. Enough for a couple days. Maybe three.

Mouse had also said Jay struggled. But there was no way. No way Jay had stayed awake for three days straight because he was so scared of facing the nightmares that came every night. No way he had to sleep with a gun under his pillow. No way he had to leave crowded rooms because they were too threatening and you never knew who was an enemy. No, her big brother was strong. Fearless.

Not like her.

Jess crumpled the card and dropped it on the floor. She twisted the top off the bottle.

She shook three pills into the palm of her hand. And she stared at them.

#

Ruzek paced the floor of his apartment. He looked at his car keys on the counter. Decision made, he grabbed them and headed for the door.

He swung it open to find Halstead's sister standing there.

She looked up at him, her big blue eyes bigger and bluer when they were opened in surprise.

"Hey," he said.

She didn't answer. She finally looked away and shook her head, he could see her talking herself out of whatever she had planned to say. He looked down at her hands. They shook.

"Come on in," he said softly. He opened the door wider.

She came in, careful not to brush against him as she walked past.

Ruzek closed the door quietly and motioned toward the living room. Jess followed him, but didn't sit when he offered. She looked anywhere but at him.

"I, um…" her voice was strained. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a pill bottle. The one Danny had sold her.

She passed it from one hand to the other, fidgeting.

Ruzek didn't say anything. He stayed still, waiting without pushing.

Finally Jess thrust the bottle holding 10 pills toward him. "Can you…?"

"Yeah, yeah, I've got it." Ruzek took it from her.

"Thanks," she whispered.

Ruzek tried to pretend he didn't notice the dark circles under her eyes. Or the trembling when she tucked a stray curl behind her ear. He just waited.

"I can't be alone tonight," she finally said, lifting her eyes to him. They were haunted. "I didn't know where else to go, but I can't…" her words caught on a sob.

Ruzek moved toward her then. As another sob came out he wrapped his arms around her. Her sobs broke her then. They shook her and Ruzek held her tightly.

#

Jess couldn't hold back the tears. They tore at her and she couldn't stop it. She leaned against Adam, the storm too much to fight alone. She gave up and let him hold her as the tears came.

She clung to him, a lifeline to hold to, to keep her from being pulled under. Everything was too much. Too big to handle on her own.

"Sshhh. I've got you, darlin'. You're safe here."

Adam's quiet words were spoken against her hair, finally getting through to her.

She wanted to tell him she wasn't safe anywhere. She took a shuddering breath.

The warmth of Adam's hands registered. He had one holding her against him, the other cradling the back of her head. She closed her eyes and relished the closeness of someone.

But just someone. Not a friend. Definitely not a boyfriend. Just a stranger who brought her home.

And her protective older brother's coworker.

Jess pulled back and Adam immediately let her go. Her grief showed on his face. She had to look away. He shouldn't be sharing her pain. She shouldn't be making him.

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice raw from the tears.

Adam shook his head. His eyes were warm, worried. "I'm glad you came."

Jess quickly shook her head. She tried to wipe the trails of tears from her face. She tried to scrub the display of her weakness away. "I shouldn't have come here." She took a step away from him.

"Stay," he said. "Just for the night. I'll sleep on the couch."

Jess didn't want to hesitate. She should go. She didn't know what had possessed her to show up on a stranger's doorstep.

"It's ok," Adam reassured her.

That wasn't true. She knew exactly what had come over her. She didn't want to be alone. She wanted to be with the guy who had stayed up all night sitting next to her because he was worried about her. But who didn't push her. Didn't pressure her to talk and to get her problems fixed.

"I just can't go back to my dad's tonight," she said. "I can't be there."

"It's ok," Adam said again. "You can stay here."

Jess took a deep breath. She thought about her room at home. The trophies she had won on the track team in high school mocking her, reminding her she wasn't winning at anything anymore. The empty seats at the table where her mom should be. Where her dad sat without talking to her.

All the silence. All the shadows.

"Just stay for tonight," Adam said.

Jess nodded.

#


	8. Chapter 8

**I hope this is a fun read for everyone! Thanks so much for all the follows and reviews! I love hearing who everyone is cheering for- Mouse or Ruzek (especially since I'm so undecided).**

Jay couldn't sleep. So he was going to make sure Will couldn't sleep.

"Will!" he called again, pounding on his brother's apartment door.

The door finally swung open and Will, in his flannel pajama pants, squinted out at him. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Jay pushed past him, letting himself in. "We need to come up with a plan for Jess."

"1 am. That's what time it is, Jay." Will stifled a yawn.

"She's not at Dad's," Jay said, ignoring him.

"She's staying at a friend's house," Will said. "Can I go back to bed now?"

"You talked to her?" he asked.

"She finally answered one of my texts and said she was crashing with a friend tonight. She didn't say who," he answered before Jay asked his next question.

"Mouse can ping her phone," Jay muttered under his breath. He started for the door.

"Whoa, wait up there, Detective," Will said, fully awake. He positioned himself in Jay's path. "You can't have your buddy track Jess."

When Jay met Will's eyes, Will's heart sank.

"Are you sleeping at all?" he asked his younger brother.

"Get out of my way, Will."

Will knew Jay could throw him aside if he chose to. He hoped Jay wouldn't choose to. "Look, I'm just as worried about Jess as you are, but we can only help her if she lets us."

The thread of control holding Jay together snapped. "You have no idea the hell Jess is in right now! No idea!"

Will saw glimpses of the panic that had been under the surface when Jay first came home.

"But you know," Will said to himself. Of course Jay knew. Will had seen the shattered man who came back from overseas four years earlier.

"We've got to find her," Jay said.

"Ok, we'll find her," Will said. "Sit down for a minute and let me get dressed."

Jay at least stayed in the apartment. He paced like a caged lion around the small living room.

As soon as he was in his room, Will picked up his cell phone. He only had to wait two rings for an answer.

"Jay's here. You better get over here."

#

Ruzek couldn't convince Jess to take the bed. But he supposed it didn't matter, since she didn't look like she was going to sleep any time soon. Her hands were shaking and she sat at his table with an untouched glass of water in front of her.

"Is this how it is every night?" he asked. He pretended not to notice her jump at the sound of a siren on the street below them.

"If I don't take something to take the edge off," she said.

"Does Jay know?"

Jess met his eyes briefly and looked back down at the table.

Ok. Jay was off limits.

A car backfired somewhere and Jess suddenly pushed her chair back and stood. "I'm sorry, Adam. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come."

"Whoa, hold on," Ruzek said standing, too.

Jess was shaking her head. "You don't need to deal with this. With my…stuff."

Ruzek was pretty sure it wasn't only her concern for him that had her jumping up to leave. "And you don't have to go try to score."

Jess pressed her shaking hands to her face. She shook her head again, loosening a few curls from her long braid. Her eyes were starting to dart around the room.

"What did you do in the Army?" Ruzek asked, trying to distract her.

"What?" she asked. He had at least succeeded in grabbing her attention for a minute.

"Jay said you were in the Army. What did you do?"

"I was a medic," she said. Her attention started to waver again. She looked toward the door.

He could imagine what she had seen overseas. What had chased her home.

"You have a plan for what you want to do now that you can choose?" he asked.

The question stilled her for a minute. Then tears filled her eyes and she shook her head. "Survive," she whispered hoarsely.

The last bit of fight left her and she sank down into the chair. She dropped her head into her hands.

Ruzek pulled his chair up next to hers. "Ok. Then that's where we'll start." He bent his head close to hers. "We'll start with tonight. You're going to survive tonight."

She clenched her trembling hands into fists and set them in her lap. Ruzek covered them with his hand. "I'll help you," he promised.

#

Will managed to keep Jay in his apartment until he heard the light knock on his door. Jay startled at the sound. Will made an effort to look like he didn't notice. Like he didn't remember when Jay used to stay up for days and hyper alert to any noise.

"Hey," Will said, opening the door. "Come on in."

Mouse stepped into the room, scanning it and landing on Jay. "Hey, bro," he said. He moved deliberately and dropped onto the couch, his fingers tapping out a rhythm on the arm.

He didn't take his eyes off Jay.

"What's this?" Jay asked. His gaze swung between his brother and his friend. "Are you going to ping Jess' phone?" he asked.

"Sure. I can do that," Mouse answered. "If we need to."

"What do you mean?" Jay demanded. He let out a disbelieving laugh. There was no humor. "You know, Mouse. You know what it's like over there." He jabbed a finger at him. "You know what she's going through."

Mouse leaned forward. "I know, man. I know. The thing is, locking her up and tracking her isn't going to help her. I mean, you might keep her out of some trouble, but is it going to stop the nightmares?" His angular face was serious.

"We can deal with that once we know she's safe!" Jay spun towards Will. "What's he doing here if he's not going to help?"

"You're not thinking straight, Jay," Will said. He held his ground. He really hoped Jay wouldn't hit him.

"How long has it been since you slept?" Mouse asked.

Jay didn't answer. Will could see where Jess got her stubborn silence from.

"Do you need something to help you sleep?" Will asked.

"Jess is the one who needs help," Jay said.

"It brings it back, doesn't it?" Mouse asked. He lifted one side of his mouth in a grim smile. "Seeing Jess go through it. Hearing about it."

Jay swallowed hard.

"Why do you think I was awake at 1 am?" Mouse asked. "Hearing about her nightmares. What she saw…" His fingers tapped faster and he clenched his jaw.

Mouse dragged himself back with a shake of his head and Will let out the breath he was holding. He couldn't let Mouse and Jay go off the rails along with Jess.

"I think everyone needs to get some sleep," Will said. "I'm off tomorrow. We can meet up at Molly's when you guys get off work and talk then."

"What did she tell you?" Jay asked Mouse, ignoring Will. "She talked to you?"

Mouse hesitated then bobbed his head. "We met up for lunch yesterday."

Jay narrowed his eyes at his friend. "She met you for lunch?" He glanced toward Will, checking to see if he knew this.

Will shook his head.

"I mean, we met up, but it wasn't like we planned it. I was worried about her," Mouse said. "I checked on her."

"You pinged her phone," Jay accused.

"It wasn't the middle of the night," Mouse reminded him. "I just wanted to check in with her. I did. She's trying, man. She's trying to get it together."

"Then you can check in with her now." Jay jerked his head toward the door. "Let's go."

Mouse looked toward Will.

"No one's going to track anyone right now," Will said. "Jay, you're going to go home and sleep."

Jay started to argue. Will ignored him. "If you don't, I will call Voight and tell him in my professional opinion, you aren't fit for duty." He softened his voice. "You know you haven't been yourself since Jess showed up."

Mouse stood and clapped a hand on Jay's shoulder. "Come on. You can crash at my place tonight. Neither one of us is going back down the road we already traveled. And we'll get Jess off it, too."

Jay held his ground for a beat. Will prayed he would listen to reason. He couldn't handle seeing Jay back in that place again. It felt like he was barely holding it together for Jess as it was.

Jay gave a slight nod and started to go with Mouse. He stopped at the door. "Will?"

Will braced himself.

"Thanks," Jay said before he turned and left with Mouse.

Will closed the door behind them, then dropped his head against it and took a breath. He hoped he could survive his two siblings.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks SO MUCH for the follows and reviews! I love writing this, but am SO much more motivated to keep going when I see people are actually reading it and enjoying it!**

Jess hadn't slept much. The morning sun was weak, but it was there. Just like she was this morning. She had made it through the night.

Sometime around 3 am Adam had dozed off. He had stayed on the couch talking with her, distracting her from the shadows that pressed in. His hair fell across his forehead and he shifted in his sleep.

Jess had fallen asleep after him. She had curled her feet up on the couch, resting against Adam's side. Feeling his solid presence, she had slept. But now the night had passed and she shouldn't be here. She quietly rose from the couch, careful not to wake Adam.

Her bag was where she had dropped it by the door when she came in last night. She glanced at the clock on his microwave as she picked up her bag. Adam was going to be going to work on less than three hours sleep. She winced. She never should have come here. Never should have let herself remember the concern in his eyes when he had run into her at the precinct. Never should have let the memory of the way he held her through her nightmares draw her back here. Never should have brought her problems to pour out on him.

Adam stirred again and Jess quickly grabbed her bag and let herself out.

She made it down to the street and started walking.

She just had to make it through today. And then tonight. And tomorrow. Her hands started shaking. She stuffed them in her pockets. She couldn't run to Adam, practically a stranger and her brother's coworker, every night.

She took a shaky breath. She thought of the bottle she had turned over to Adam last night.

She pulled out her cell phone and called Danny.

#

Hank Voight stood in the doorway of his office, surveying his team. Dawson, Lindsey, Atwater, Burgess. They were busy on their computers, on the phone, discussing leads on open cases with one another.

His jaw tightened as he looked at the rest of the team. Ruzek, Halstead, and Mouse. They looked like the living dead.

Mouse typed into his computer, head bobbing frenetically to some rhythm only he could hear as he looked between screens. He tossed his second empty Starbucks cup into the trash and reached for the third one on his desk. Beneath his desk, Voight could see his foot bouncing, out of sync with the song that his head moved to.

Halstead had purple circles under both eyes. He blinked twice and shook his head before slamming his finger down on the delete key. He leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples. Giving his head a hard shake, he checked his cell phone again and tossed it down in frustration, earning him a look from Lindsey.

Ruzek's eyes drifted shut. Voight counted four breaths before he opened them again and picked his pen back up to try again at the paperwork. Ruzek's eyelids fell and his head nodded forward.

Voight fought for control. He lost. "You, you, and you," he barked, stabbing his finger in the direction of Halstead, Mouse, and Ruzek. He waited for them to file into his office. They stood in front of his desk. Well, Halstead and Ruzek stood. Mouse bounced lightly on his toes.

"Well?" Voight asked.

Mouse tapped a hand against his leg, drumming out a beat.

"Are you on something, Mouse?" he snapped.

"Nope, no, sir," Mouse reassured him. Without being very reassuring at all. "Just caffeine, Sargent. Caffeine and four, no, thr-nope two hours sleep. Two hours sir. And caffeine. I had some caffeine."

Voight grunted. He turned to his two detectives. "And you two? Does this have anything to do with what happened the other day, Halstead?"

"It was a late night," Jay said.

"Because I told you, you tell me if you need help. If your sister needs help."

Ruzek snapped awake at that. He glanced at Jay. Halstead may have missed the quick look, but Voight didn't. "You got something to say, Ruzek?" he asked.

"Just that I'm here for Halstead. If he needs anything."

It was Jay's turn to snap to attention. "You mean if my sister needs anything?" he said. "Right? You'll what, Ruzek? _Comfort_ her?"

Mouse frowned, training his eyes on Ruzek.

"Ok, that's enough," Voight said, stopping them before he had two ex-Rangers ready to tear Ruzek to pieces in his office. "Get some of Mouse's caffeine and do your work, Ruzek," he said, dismissing him.

"And you two," he said. "Get through today and don't come in like this again. Got it?"

Two nods and Voight let them go.

"Hey, Hank?" Erin said, sticking her head into his office. "We caught a case."

#

Jay ducked under the crime scene tape and flashed his badge at the patrolman securing the perimeter. He headed toward the rest of the team where the responding officer was about to fill Voight in on the details.

"I got a call about a suspicious vehicle," the officer said. "When I got here, there were two bodies in the grass." He pointed to where the CSI techs were taking pictures of the bodies, half hidden in the overgrown grass of the vacant lot.

Voight jerked his chin toward the bodies and Olinsky and Burgess nodded, heading that way.

Ruzek followed Jay toward the vehicle that had been reported as suspicious. Pulling on gloves, they opened the doors and started a search of the silver Toyota.

"Halstead," Ruzek called.

Jay circled the car to see what Ruzek had. Ruzek knelt down and opened a duffel bag on the floor in the back.

"I have a CI who deals," Ruzek said. He picked up one of the bottles. "These are his."

Jay nodded. "Jump on it. Find him." He stood to continue the search, but Ruzek stopped him.

"Jay," he said. "He supplies your sister."

There was a heartbeat where Jay didn't respond. Where Ruzek met his eyes and they both realized what Ruzek was saying. Where they thought of the bodies dead in the grass.

He turned and sprinted toward the bodies. Not Jess. That's all he could think. Not Jess.

He shoved a tech out of his way. He heard footsteps running behind him, but didn't turn. The only thing that mattered was seeing who was laying dead at the other end of the lot.

Burgess rose from where she was kneeling when she saw Jay barreling toward her. She looked over his shoulder, her brows knitting as Ruzek caught up and they skidded to a stop.

Jay took in the two young men on the ground.

Men. Not Jess.

He heard Ruzek let out a breath and double over to plant his hands on his knees. "It's not her," he said, sounding like he was reassuring himself.

Jay wheeled away from the sight of the bodies. He raked his hands through his hair, closing his eyes. Not Jess. It was a reminder now, not a frantic plea. It wasn't Jess on the ground.

"Adam?" Burgess was asking.

With a look, Olinsky signaled Voight over. Erin jogged over with him.

Ruzek straightened up, though his breathing hadn't fully returned to normal. "My CI, Danny Green deals here. His stash is in the car." He looked over at Jay. "Halstead's sister is a customer."

Jay heard Erin suck in a breath and felt her hand land on his arm. She squeezed him reassuringly. "I'll call Mouse and have him find her."

"I'll see if she's answering," Jay said.

Of course she wasn't answering. "Let's go," Jay called to Erin. He dialed Will, hoping he had heard from Jess.

"Her phone is at your dad's," Erin called, running toward the car. "No one's answering at the house."

"Will hasn't heard from her."

Jay didn't give Erin the option of the driver's seat. He started the car and flipped the lights and siren on.

He gunned it, gravel spitting up behind the tires. As he pulled out on the road, he was aware of Voight's truck and Dawson and Ruzek's car following behind him. He didn't wait for them.

"Keep calling her," he instructed Erin, his knuckles white on the steering wheel.

The 300's tires squealed as Jay swung around a corner, fishtailing before getting the car straightened out. They crossed 39th Street, crossing into Canaryville, and Jay pushed the accelerator farther.

The small two story house was surrounded by the three unmarked cars. Jay barreled out of his, sprinting toward the front door.

It was locked. He pounded on the door. "Jess!" he yelled.

No answer.

A car came screeching to a halt in the middle of the street. Mouse hurtled out the driver's side door.

Jay didn't call again for Jess. He lifted a boot and gave a powerful kick. The door gave. One more kick and he was in.

He pulled his gun from its holster and headed straight for the stairs.

#


	10. Chapter 10

**This chapter took longer because I was worried about it not being enough after the last chapter's cliffhanger. I hope it doesn't disappoint!**

 **eniledam05- Your comment made me laugh out loud! Please don't hate me- I hope this chapter makes up for it! :)**

 **Jules - thanks for your comments! I love hearing what you're thinking about Mouse and Adam.**

 **Kathleen- Your encouragement is so sweet and much appreciated! Thank you!**

Jay's heart pounded in his ears. He pressed against the wall as he reached the top of the stairs. For a split second, he was 8 years old again, playing cops with Will, being quiet, not because they were sneaking up on a robber, but because they would be in trouble if they woke up their newborn sister.

He motioned for Erin to stay behind him and looked around the corner. Silence. He waved Erin on to his old room, Ruzek to his dad's room. He moved toward Jess' room, stepping over the floorboard that creaked and eased the door open.

He heard Ruzek call out the bedroom he was in was clear and Erin echoed that she was clear.

Jess' room wasn't clear.

Jay looked down the barrel of the gun pointed at him and held a hand out. "It's ok," he said, keeping his voice calm.

The gun pointed at him shook and Jay eased toward the dresser. He slowly moved to lay his gun on it, stepping around the army duffel that was still packed and on the floor. "I'm laying down my gun. I'm not armed. It's ok," he said again.

From the corner of his eye he saw Ruzek and Erin in the doorway.

"We're fine," Jay told them, without looking away from the gun pointed at him. "We're going to keep things calm."

He met his sister's eyes. Her eyes were wide with panic, her hands shaking violently. Jay could see the pulse at her throat pounding.

She cocked the gun, the click sharp in the crowded room. She leveled the gun at Jay.

Erin slowly laid her gun on the rose colored carpeting of Jess' room. She stood without taking her eyes off Jess.

"Hey, Jess," Ruzek said. "We're here to help you." He moved slowly to put his gun on the nightstand. The barrel of the gun pointed at Jay swung wildly toward Ruzek.

"Downstairs is clear," Voight's voice came over the radio.

Erin slowly moved to answer. "Keep everyone out," she murmured into her radio. "We have a gun upstairs."

Jay tried to take a step towards Jess while the gun was in Ruzek's direction, but she aimed it back at him. Her pupils were dilated, her breath coming quickly.

"Jess, it's me. Jay."

Jess blinked hard and shook her head, trying to clear her vision. She took a step back, but was stopped by the wall.

"Did you meet up with Danny?" Ruzek asked. Jess' eyes flicked toward him, a moment of coherence flickering across her face. "Yeah? You saw him?"

"I—I needed something." She looked at Ruzek uncertainly and the gun in her hands drifted down slightly. Her eyes were wide, her face pale. "I left my—my pills at your place…last night?"

Jay slid his eyes sharply to Ruzek, but didn't move. He couldn't risk startling his sister.

"You did," Ruzek nodded, ignoring Jay. He took the chance at moving closer to her. "You gave them to me. You wanted help." He eased a step toward her.

Jess squeezed her eyes shut. "I couldn't—couldn't do it, Adam. I went to get more. I needed—needed…"

Ruzek nodded. His features were a mask of calm, but Jay could see the strain underneath. His eyes were sharp, missing nothing. "That's ok. We can help you now. We're all here to help."

Jess shook her head. Her mouth trembled. "No one can help," her voice broke. "Danny…they…" the focus slid from her eyes and she raised the gun again. "There was too much blood," she said. Her breath hitched in a panicky gasp. "They shot them and there was blood. I tried. I tried to help, but it's so hot in the desert and there are too many soldiers—too many injured. I can't—I can't help."

"Jess," Jay said. His voice was level. "You're in Chicago. You're home."

Jess' eyes darted to him. When they stayed on him, Jay motioned to Erin with the slightest flick of his finger.

"Just listen to my voice," he continued. Erin started to move. Jay took a step away from Erin to keep Jess' attention. "You're in your room, in Dad's house."

Jess shook her head. "I don't—I can't—" Her brow knit in confusion and the gun in her hand lowered.

When Erin was within arm's reach, Jay gave a slight nod. Erin hurtled toward Jess and grabbed the gun. Jay and Ruzek dove down as the gun blast shattered through the room.

Erin quickly stuck the gun in the waistband of her jeans and tried to get control of Jess. "Jess," she said, trying to keep Jess' arms at her sides.

Jay pushed off the floor and rushed to Jess. He wrapped his arms around Jess, taking the hits she tried to land.

Voight and Dawson rushed in, guns drawn and Jay quickly turned Jess, shielding her from them.

"It's under control," Erin said. She pulled the gun from her waistband and handed it over to Dawson. "Halstead's sister is safe."

"She's safe?" Mouse asked, running in behind Voight and Dawson. He scanned the room.

"You were told to wait outside," Voight said, anger making his voice raspier.

Mouse ignored him and looked to Jay.

Jay met his Army brother's eyes and didn't give an answer. That was answer enough.

Jess' struggle slowed. Jay continued to hold her until she stilled, other than the tremors that shook her.

Erin picked up a pill bottle from the floor alongside the bed and held it up for Voight to see.

He gave a short nod. "Burgess and Olinsky are on their way. You and Burgess sit on her. As soon as she's with it, you get her story." He turned his attention to Jay and looked Jess over. She pushed away from Jay and looked around the room. There was nothing on Jess' face to show she recognized any of them.

She started to back away and Erin stepped in.

"Jess, let's get you some water." She tilted her head, motioning the team to leave.

Dawson put a hand on Ruzek's back and gave him a nudge toward the door. He looked back at Jess.

"Call if you need anything," he said, but went with Dawson. Jay didn't budge.

Mouse looked at Jess, at her panicked eyes. "C'mon, Jay," he said. Jay started to shake his head. Mouse didn't push Jay to the door, but tilted his head closer to Jay and said under his breath, "Do you think all these extra people in here are going to help Jess feel safe? Erin's got it."

Finally Jay moved. "Call me," he said to Erin.

Erin didn't look up from where she was trying to calm Jess. She gave a nod.

As soon as they were in the hall, Voight turned to Jay.

"Halstead, you and Dawson track this Danny," Voight ordered.

"Sarge," Jay argued. "She's my sister—"

"Exactly," Voight cut him off. His mouth pressed into a thin line. "You're lucky I don't have you sit this one out altogether. Now are you going to go after Danny or do you plan to pull desk duty for this one?"

No one moved. Jay stared hard at Voight. Voight didn't budge. Jay kept his lips in a hard line, but he finally gave an imperceptible nod. He jogged down the stairs, followed by Voight.

Mouse could feel his hand start tapping against his leg of its own volition and stuck it in his pocket.

He looked back in Jess' room.

Jess struck out at Erin and Erin calmly moved out of the way and tried again. "Jess, let's sit."

Mouse looked in the open doors until he found the small bathroom. He took a glass off the counter and filled it with water. Bringing it to Jess' room, he set it on the nightstand.

Erin had succeeded in getting Jess to stop lashing out, but Jess continued to pace, stopping to pull back the sheer white curtain and look out the window, then scan the room. Her eyes stopped on Mouse.

"Hey, Jess," Mouse said. He kept his hands loose at his sides, his stance easy, unthreatening.

"You don't have a gun?" she asked.

Mouse eased his hands out at his sides to show her he wasn't hiding anything. "Nothing. I'm just here make sure you're ok."

Jess' breathing was starting to regulate. She looked at Erin again. "I know you?"

"I'm your brother Jay's girlfriend. Erin." She gestured toward Mouse. "And that's Jay's friend, Mouse."

Jess ran her eyes over Mouse's face. He stayed still.

"I know you," she said uncertainly.

"You know me," Mouse answered. "We had lunch the other day."

Tears welled up in Jess's eyes and she raised a shaking hand to her forehead. "Everything's so…"

"I know," Erin said gently. She laid a hand lightly on Jess' back and guided her to the edge of the bed.

Jess sat and took the water Erin handed her. Taking a sip, she handed it back. Erin sat next to her and softly rubbed a hand in circles on her back. She looked up at Mouse. "Thanks, Mouse."

"Yeah, sure." Mouse forced himself to take a step back. Away from Jess and the sight of what she had done to herself. He tried not to think about what memories she was trying to chase away with the pills.

"I'll track back the gps on her phone," he said quietly. "Tell Jay where she's been. Where she met Danny."

Erin nodded, not slowing the circles on Jess' back. "Hey, Mouse?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

Erin glanced at Jess. "Why don't you let Voight know what you find? I don't think Jay should be the first one on the scene with Danny."

Mouse gave her a short nod. He forced himself to leave. Reminded himself that Erin was with Jess. He turned to go and his sneaker kicked against something. Reaching down for the crumpled paper he had kicked under the bed, he brushed the lacy white bedspread aside.

He didn't have to spread the small slip of cardstock out to know it was his card. Balled up and under Jess' bed. Mouse opened it up and made an effort at smoothing it out. He laid it on Jess' dresser.

He didn't look at Erin or Jess as he hunched over, hands in his pockets and left.

#

Ruzek jogged after Jay.

"Halstead!" he called.

Jay paused before getting into the car. He looked across the roof at Dawson. Dawson raised his eyebrows. A silent message to hear what Ruzek had to say.

"Hey, what your sister said," Ruzek started.

"Yeah, Ruzek," Jay snapped, whirling around on him. "Why don't you tell me why my sister had her pills at your place?"

Ruzek held up his hands. "It's not like that," he promised. "She came over last night. She was struggling. She gave me the pills to get them away from her."

"And then what?" Jay asked. His eyes darkened, fists clenched.

"Nothing," Ruzek said, shaking his head, hands still up, a gesture of peace. "We talked. At my kitchen table."

One side of Jay's mouth lifted in a humorless smirk. "You talked? Nothing happened?"

"Look, man, your sister is gorgeous. She's hot—" Adam took a step back at the look on Jay's face and quickly continued. "But she's struggling. The drugs, the nightmares…Did you know she has nightmares?"

Jay's fighting stance froze. He looked away, a muscle in his cheek ticked. "I figured," he said. He looked back at Ruzek.

"I didn't know she was your sister when I picked her up at Molly's. We were just going to have some fun, go out, and she took something. I brought her home to sleep it off. That was it. Then she showed up last night needing help."

"And that's it?" Jay asked.

"That's all," Ruzek swore.

"Because if you lay a hand on her, Ruzek, so help me—"

Dawson grabbed Jay's arm and stopped him. "He gets it, Halstead."

Jay measured Ruzek then shook off Dawson's hand. "Let's go."

Ruzek didn't let out his breath until Dawson and Jay drove off. He lifted his chin in a nod to Mouse as he walked past on his way to his car. "Hey," he greeted him.

Mouse gave him a hard look and kept walking.

#


	11. Chapter 11

Erin patiently rested her hand on Jess' shoulder and told her to stay still. Jess mumbled something incoherent and tried to stand.

"Not yet, Jess," Erin said. "You need to rest."

Jess pushed at Erin, her face shining with a sheen of sweat. She twisted uncomfortably, the bed springs squeaking at the movement.

"I know," Erin soothed. She held the glass of water for Jess, waiting until she took a drink.

"You're pretty good at this," Kim said to Erin when Jess settled back against her pillows, the bedspread fisted in her hands.

"Yeah, well, you grow up with Bunny Fletcher and you get some practice," Erin said wryly.

Kim stood from the desk chair she was sitting in and looked at the pictures on the bulletin board. She nudged a trash bag under the desk with her toe. It was filled with something heavy. She opened it to find medals, ribbons, and trophies.

"That's an interesting decorating choice," she said, lifting out a first place medal for the 400 meter run.

"Jay said she used to run track. He thought she was going to get a scholarship."

Kim put the medal back and closed the bag. "But she enlisted."

Erin nodded. She looked over at Jess. She lowered her voice. "She followed in Jay's footsteps."

Kim joined Erin on the edge of the bed and looked down at Jess.

"Did you know she and Ruzek…?" Erin asked.

"Nope," Kim said. "But it's fine," she reassured Erin. "Adam and I were just…caught up in each other." Her eyes were liquid with compassion for Jess. "I just hope Adam doesn't break her heart. He doesn't have a great track record with commitment. And Jess isn't going to be able to handle Adam Ruzek's signature move."

Erin lifted an eyebrow.

"Breaking off engagements." Kim's lips thinned. "If he leads this girl on and bails on her, so help me, I will castrate him."

"I think Jay will do it for you," Erin said.

Jess groaned. "Here sweetie," Erin said, trying to help her get comfortable.

#

Jay pulled up in front of his dad's house. He let his head fall forward and shoved his hands into his hair. He breathed in and out, counting to ten. He didn't feel any better when he reached ten.

He opened the door and made his way wearily up the short walk. A perfunctory knock and he let himself in.

Pat Halstead glanced up from the game he was watching. "You here for the party upstairs?" he asked, taking a swig from his beer bottle.

"I'm here to see how your daughter is doing coming down from her high," Jay retorted.

Pat paused, emotion passing over his face too briefly for Jay to name what it was. He turned back to the television. "The Cubs are ahead. Might win the playoffs."

With heavy steps, Jay climbed the stairs for the second time that day. This time he didn't have his gun drawn. He didn't have adrenaline urging him forward this time. Instead, he had a pretty good idea of what he'd find.

He knocked on the doorframe to Jess' room.

Will looked up from where he sat next to her on the bed, holding a wet washcloth to her forehead.

Burgess was on the phone. "Sure thing, Sargeant." She hung up and looked at Erin. "I'm going to head in and what info we did get plugged into the computer. We'll try to ID the shooters with what Jess was able to give us and get more when she's able."

Burgess leaned down to Jess. "I have to head to the precinct. You did good, Jess. You're strong."

Jess smiled wanly. "Thanks for everything, Kim," she said, her voice hoarse.

Burgess gave her a smile and rested her hand on Jess' messy curls. "Feel better."

Jess closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the pillows.

"Hey, Jay," Burgess said to him on her way out of the room.

"Thanks, Burgess," Jay said quietly.

"Yeah, sure. Anytime," she said sincerely. She gave Erin a wave and headed out.

Jess let out a miserable groan and struggled to sit up. Will quickly moved to help her up and Erin grabbed a basin from the desk. She held it on Jess' lap and gathered her hair back.

Jess retched and vomited into the basin. Jay winced and looked away.

When Jess finished, Erin took the basin to the bathroom to rinse it. She whispered a hello to Jay on her way past. Will handed Jess a glass of water, setting it back on the nightstand when she was done.

Jess fell back against the pillows. "I'm sorry, Will," she said.

"It'll be ok, kid," Will said. He smoothed her hair back.

Erin came back in and set the basin on the floor by Will. She came to Jay's side.

"Hey," she said, a world of understanding under the word.

"How is she?" Jay asked, sticking to a business-like tone. It was easier.

"She's coming down hard," Erin said honestly, raising a shoulder. "But Will said she's doing alright. He wants her to go in to Med tomorrow for labs and IV fluids if she doesn't stop vomiting."

"Did she tell you anything?" Jay asked.

Erin glanced at Jess and moved out into the hall. Jay followed, pulling the door closed behind them.

"She met up with Danny, her dealer. But they met a couple blocks past 34th. It's outside Danny's territory. He crossed over onto King Territory."

"So this was a turf war?" Jay asked.

"It looks like it." Erin's dimples showed as she pressed her lips together.

"What?"

Erin lowered her voice, even though Jess couldn't hear them through the door. "They may have seen Jess. Voight wants a car parked outside until we know for sure."

"I'll bring her to my place," Jay said.

Erin didn't look surprised. "I don't think you should move her right now."

Jay ignored her and pushed into the room. "Let's get her out to my car," he said to Will.

Will looked between Jay and Erin. "What's going on?"

Jay picked up Jess' duffel and handed it to Erin. He went to Jess.

"Jess," he said. He knelt down next to the bed.

She opened her eyes, squinting against the dim light from her nightstand. She turned away from him toward Will. "I told you I didn't want Jay here," she said. She tried to push out of bed.

"Jess, he's here to help. Just like we all are," Will said, helping her stand so she didn't collapse.

"I don't want him here," she insisted. She turned to Jay, her face pale, hair in limp strings around her face. "I don't want you here."

Jay tried not to let the words sting. He could deal with that later. He needed to get her to his place. It was more secure.

"Let's go, Jess. We need to go back to my place."

Jess shook her head, then weaved on her feet. She clamped her lips together.

"Are you going to be sick?" Will asked.

Jess took a slow breath in through her nose. "I'm fine."

Jay went to the window and brushed back a curtain, keeping to the side of the window. He didn't see anything suspicious. A marked patrol car was just pulling up.

"We need to get going," he said. "It's my place or Med," he said. He wasn't arguing with Jess. There wasn't time.

Jess looked to Will. He didn't offer any help beyond holding her up.

"I need my bag," she said reluctantly. Jay grabbed the messenger bag. Not giving Jess a chance to change her mind, he came to her side so he and Will framed her in. With shuffling steps she let them lead her down the stairs.

#

Jess took a slow breath, wishing Jay's apartment would stop spinning. She let Jay and Will lead her to the couch. She sank into the cushions, relieved to stop moving. Erin set her messenger bag and army duffel on the coffee table.

"I'll get some water," Will said.

Jay checked that Jess was settled. "Do you need anything?" he asked.

Jess didn't answer. She was pretty sure Jay couldn't—or wouldn't—give her what she needed.

Jay unzipped her duffel.

"Hey," she protested, moving too quickly, the room spinning faster and tilting.

Jay spared her a glance, then started taking her clothing out of the bag. He set aside her jeans, sweatshirts, tees. A knife fell out of a rolled up pair of pajama pants. Jay picked it up and set it aside. He added a half empty bottle of vodka to that without comment.

He put her clothes back in the bag and zipped it. Pulling her messenger bag closer, he opened it. Her wallet, phone, and chapstick were rifled through until he found a pill bottle.

Jay handed the knife to Will. "You can keep this for Jess at your place." He picked up the vodka and pills and headed to the bathroom.

Jess clenched her jaw and refused to look at Will or Erin as she heard the toilet flush, her alcohol and drugs gone.

Jay came back empty handed. "We'll get you through this. You don't need that anymore."

Jess let out a humorless laugh. "You have no idea. The perfect older brother who served his country bravely and came home no problem. And then went on to save Chicago from criminals." Her voice hardened. "You have no idea what it's like to not sleep. To not

want to go to sleep because of what you're going to relive."

"Jess," Jay said.

"Save it," Jess snapped. She pressed her lips together tightly. Too much. She shouldn't have moved. The nausea rose and she let Erin rush her to the bathroom before she threw up in her perfect brother's perfect living room.

She was getting out of here as soon as she could.


	12. Chapter 12

**The last chapter was a little break from the Adam/Mouse/Jess situation. I wanted to give Jess a chance to build some friendships with the women in the Intelligence Unit. Especially Erin, since she's her brother's girlfriend (I know at least one reviewer didn't care for that, but an earlier reviewer had put in a request and I liked the idea of showing Erin's part in helping Jess). But this chapter is bringing Mouse and Adam back around. Let me know what you think!**

Jess stood under the hot stream of water. She rested her forehead against the cool tile in Jay's shower and let the water run over her.

She hadn't slept in over 24 hours. She couldn't risk a nightmare in front of Jay. She had let down her big brother enough in the last week without showing any more weakness.

At least the drugs were out of her system. She was supposed to go to Med with Will this morning, but Erin had sided with her and convinced Jay and Will that Jess was fine and it was safer for her to stay at Jay's.

Jess turned off the water. For now, she felt steady. Until evening fell or a memory sent her into a tailspin.

She wrapped a towel around herself. The mirror was fogged and she couldn't see herself.

She opened the door and padded down the hall to Jay's room where her bags were. The memory of Jay going through her things as if she was a criminal had her hand tightening where it held her towel together.

She shut the door behind her and sank down onto Jay's bed. The navy blue spread was in place. She hadn't dared lay down last night and risk sleeping. Instead, she had paced the floor, listening to Jay and Erin's quiet conversation from out on the couch.

Her long hair dripped water onto the hardwood floor. Jess quickly pulled on her underthings, a pair of sweatpants, a t shirt then used the towel to wipe up the water drops.

A knock sounded on the door.

Jess was tempted to ignore it. Let Jay deal with her silence. If he wanted answers he could go through her things again. But she didn't want him busting the door open.

"What?" she called.

"Erin and I need to go in to the precinct," Jay called through the door. "I want—"

"I'll be fine," Jess called. "You've got your uniformed buddies sitting right outside."

"And—"

"Just go," she said. "I'll be fine." She'd be gone as soon as Jay and Erin turned the corner.

There was a pause and she could picture Jay in the hallway, trying to figure out how to fix this. How to fix her. Her throat tightened. There wasn't anything Jay could do. The sooner he figured that out, the better.

"You have my number," he finally said. "And Will's."

Jess didn't answer. She fixed her eyes on the picture of Jay and Erin next to his bed. They both were laughing, Erin had her arms around Jay and they both looked carefree. Jay had succeeded in getting out of the Army and moving on with life.

Jess waited until she heard the apartment door shut before she ventured out of the bedroom.

She dropped her bags by the door long enough to pull on her shoes, then slung both bags over her shoulder and cautiously opened the door.

She didn't see anyone at first. She stepped out in the hall and pulled the door shut, about to lock it.

"Did you at least eat breakfast before you take off?"

Startled, Jess looked down. Mouse sat on the floor next to the door, leaning against the wall.

"Jay's not here," Jess said, hitching her bag higher on her shoulder.

"That's why he asked me to be here."

"I don't need a baby-sitter," she said. She met Mouse's eyes. She could tell he saw right through her.

He shrugged and stretched his legs out in front of him. "Ok. That's cool. You just can, you know, go back inside and do your thing and I'll wait out here."

Jess stared at him, lips pursed, unimpressed.

"Hey, don't let me cramp your style. I just gotta do what Jay asked. I can't go back on my word to him."

Jess shoved the door open. "Come in," she said, throwing her bags down inside.

Mouse came in after her. He stood at the edge of the living room.

Jess faced him from the opposite side of the room.

"So?" Mouse asked. "You want me to throw some breakfast together?"

"I'm not hungry."

Mouse nodded. He leaned against the armchair. "We could watch a movie. Or play cards." His blue eyes looked directly at her. "Or you could tell me what I did to offend you."

Jess crossed her arms in front of her. "I don't appreciate being lied to."

"Wait, what?" Mouse shook his head. "I wouldn't lie to you Jess." His eyes never left hers. "I would never lie to you."

"Right," Jess scoffed. "You gave me that little story about Jay not doing well when he got out of the service." She rolled her eyes. "I appreciate you trying to make me feel better. Like I'm not alone. But you don't have to make up some drama about Jay struggling. I'm sure the golden boy had a hard time not being a hero every day when he came back, but that's not exactly the same as—as whatever my mess is." She let out a small laugh and waved a hand around the apartment. "He definitely never had to be baby sat."

Mouse studied her. He gave his head a little shake. "Jay didn't tell you anything?"

Jess shrugged. "He and Will don't exactly treat me like one of the adults in the family."

Mouse sat on the couch and motioned to the open end. Jess reluctantly sat.

"I'm not going to tell you all Jay's business," Mouse started, "but, trust me. He wasn't the golden boy when he came home. Neither one of us were."

Jess searched his face. "You're telling the truth?"

"Promise," Mouse said.

Jess looked down at her lap. Her hands fidgeted. She drew a shaky breath. "But you got through it. You and Jay both did."

"We did."

Jess nodded her head, lost in thought. Mouse didn't push.

"Do you play poker?" she finally asked, wanting to clear the heaviness around them.

"I'll get the cards."

Five rounds in and Mouse tossed down his cards. "Ok, there's gotta be at least one ace up your sleeve. Where are you hiding it?"

Jess took a sip of Sprite and set the can on the coffee table. "I can't help it if you have the worst poker face ever."

"I don't," Mouse argued.

Jess cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Ok, yeah, it could use some work," he admitted.

Jess laughed. She stretched her legs out where she sat on the floor and the bumped against Mouse's legs.

Mouse smiled at the sound. "I could get used to that."

Jess shook her head, still smiling. "Get used to what?"

"You being happy."

Jess stilled as Mouse held her gaze. "You make me happy," she whispered. "Being around you makes things easier." She shifted slightly, bringing her closer to Mouse.

Mouse didn't move. He didn't dare breathe.

Jess leaned in the last inch and closed the space between them. Her lips were almost touching his.

Mouse tried to get a coherent thought together. "You're my best friend's sister. We shouldn't be..."

Her eyes fell shut as her lips brushed his.

Mouse finally moved, lifting a hand to Jess' cheek. He framed her face in his hands, deepening the kiss.

Jess' soft sigh breathed against his lips, her hands moved to his chest and fisted in his shirt.

Mouse definitely made her happy.

#

Ruzek hung up the phone. He leaned back in his desk chair and looked up at the ceiling. The full extent of what he had been told took a moment to sink in. He rubbed his hands over his face, the stubble that was way past a five o'clock shadow scratching his palms.

"Ruzek?" Dawson asked. "You got news?"

The entire team stilled. Ruzek took a breath. It was easier to breathe. He dropped his hands and looked around at the expectant faces.

"That was my guy over in the gang unit. They got the shooters. Both of them."

It was as if the entire team exhaled at once. Jay dropped his head into his hands. Erin put her hands on his shoulders. She whispered something to Jay and he nodded.

"Yeah. She's going to be safe," he said.

Ruzek closed his eyes for a minute, reveling in the relief of knowing Jess would be safe. He took a breath and opened them. "Jess is going to have to pick them out of a lineup. They're on their way here."

Jay's eyes widened for a split second before his face set. Before he could say anything, Voight broke in from the door of his office.

"Ruzek, you go get Halstead's sister. You bring her in the back way so she doesn't have to cross paths with these clowns they're bringing over."

Ruzek nodded and jumped up. Jay opened his mouth to argue and Voight pointed a finger at him.

"Not a word, Halstead."

Adam jogged down the stairs to his car. He resisted the temptation to go lights and sirens to get Jess from Halstead's apartment. But he didn't stay under the speed limit, either.

He gave a wave to the uniforms still parked outside and ran inside. He tried Jess' phone but there was no answer. He punched the button for the elevator and waited impatiently for the doors to open. He tried Mouse's phone. No answer there.

He couldn't help the grin stretched across his face. Finally some good news for Jess. Maybe after she dealt with this and got it behind her, he would ask her out on a date. A real date, not just some bar he took her to when she didn't want to be at Molly's.

No one answered his knock on Halstead's door, so he knocked again, louder.

Finally he heard the lock slide open and Mouse opened the door.

A disheveled Mouse.

Ruzek didn't put it together until he saw Jess standing behind him, her hair tousled, cheeks pink. She fidgeted and adjusted her shirt before her eyes darted away. She took a step back, not looking at him or Mouse.

"You need to come down to the 21st," Ruzek finally got out. The relief he felt earlier was dampened and his words were stilted. "They need you to ID the guys."

Jess nodded. She brushed awkwardly at her hair, pulled at her t shirt again and shot a quick glance to Mouse.

"I just need to grab a sweatshirt," she finally said.

She left the two of them standing in the entryway of the apartment.

Mouse took a step back and motioned for Ruzek to come in.

Ruzek didn't budge. He stared at Mouse, feeling his jaw tighten.

Mouse met his gaze head on.

"I'm ready," Jess said, interrupting the silent stare down. She still didn't look at either one of them. Her hands gripped her messenger bag tight enough to make her knuckles white.

"I'll take you down there," Ruzek said.

Mouse brushed a hand against Jess'. "I'll see you down there."

Jess didn't answer either of them. She ducked her head and quickly darted out the door. They both followed after her.


	13. Chapter 13

**Ok guys, this was a fun one to write. Mouse and Adam are my favorites on the show. I love them!**

 **There may be a little pause in updates. I'm going to visit my parents this weekend and then my toddler follows up with his oncologist after that. This story is my little break from reality and stress, so I'm hoping I'll be able to get another chapter up by next week, but real life may be interrupting it for a week or two :)**

Jay was waiting in the garage when Ruzek walked Jess in.

Jess was looking over her shoulder when she came in and didn't see him.

"Jess," Jay called.

She looked at him long enough for him to see the worried lines on her brow before she glanced at Ruzek then looked back to the door.

Mouse came through not long after Jess and Ruzek. Jess crossed her arms in front of herself and shifted uncomfortably. She looked at Jay then.

"Did Ruzek tell you?" Jay asked, feeling the relief in his grin.

"Um, yeah." Jess' eyes slid to Ruzek for a split second, then back to him. "He did."

She looked nervous, avoiding looking at Mouse or Ruzek. Jay put his arm around her. "You don't have to worry about this. Just look at the line up and tell us if you see the shooters."

"What?" Jess asked. "Oh, yeah. Yeah, the line up. I can do that."

Jay tried to look her in the eyes. "Are you alright?" He looked over at Mouse. Mouse tucked his hands in his pockets and didn't say anything.

"I'm fine," Jess said.

Jay didn't smell anything on her. For once her eyes were clear. "Ok," he said, taking her word for it. "Ruzek will take you up. I'll be right there."

Mouse started to follow them, but Jay put a hand on his arm to hold him back. He waited until the door closed behind Ruzek and Jess.

"Is she clean?"

"Yeah," Mouse answered with a nervous laugh. "Yeah, she's fine. Not on anything."

Jay didn't look like he believed him. He looked at him more closely. "Are you ok?"

Mouse gave Jay a look like he didn't understand what he was asking. "Yeah, of course. What do you mean? I'm great."

Jay let out a sigh and shook his head. "She got to you didn't she?"

Mouse's eyes flew open. "I—I don't know what you—what you…What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry, Mouse. I know my sister isn't the easiest person to be around."

"Naw, your sister's fine," Mouse assured him.

"She's not herself. This isn't who she is. I appreciate you sitting with her even though she gave you a hard time."

Mouse stared at him. "I, uh…sure. It was no problem."

Jay clapped a hand on his back. "Let's get upstairs. I don't want Jess to do this alone." He glanced over at Mouse as they headed toward the stairs. "Hey, Mouse, your shirt's buttoned crooked."

#

Adam waited until the stairwell door closed behind them. Voices echoed in the cement corridor, so he kept his voice down.

"You and Mouse?"

The tightening of her jaw was the only sign Jess heard him.

"So you crashing at my place was just…convenient for you? To drive Jay crazy? Your plumbing was broke and you just needed someone to flush your drugs?"

Jess stopped climbing the stairs and faced him. "What do you want me to say?" she asked.

"I just want to know where we stand," he said. "Are you heading to Mouse's tonight when you need someone to stop you from going out to get a hit, or should I be ready to flush your stash?"

Jess' chin trembled and Adam silently cursed himself. "I'm sorry, darlin'," he apologized. "You don't owe me an explanation."

He reached out a hand and brushed one of her curls back from her face.

Jess swallowed hard. "I just…I feel safe with you," she whispered. "When it's dark and there's no one around…"

"It's ok," Adam said. "I didn't mean it. You and Mouse is none of my business. You come on over if you need. Anytime."

"I shouldn't, though. I just sort of bumped into you at Molly's and I shouldn't be asking you…"

Jess looked down at her hands and Adam followed her gaze. Her hands were shaking. Adam took them between his and waited until she looked at him. "I'm here. If you need me, I'm here." He waited for her nod. He gave her hands a squeeze. "Let's go get this line up over with."

Jess nodded again. She let Adam lead the way.

#

Jess stood uncomfortably in the bullpen. She was pretty sure most of the team had been in her room the day before, but she didn't remember any of it. Jay and Mouse came in a minute after her and Adam. Mouse gave her a grin and headed to a desk by the stairs.

Jess felt her lips pull in a small answering smile. She ducked her head, but not before she saw Adam studying her. She quickly let her smile fall. She was actually relieved when Jay planted himself next to her and blocked out both Mouse and Adam.

The raspy voiced sergeant came out of his office. She thought she remembered his voice yesterday, somewhere in the panic she had been feeling and someone taking her gun. Her cheeks felt hot with remembered shame.

"Jess," the sergeant said. "I'm Sargeant Voight."

Almost against her will, Jess felt her spine straighten. She forced herself to meet his eyes. "Hello, sir." Army training died hard.

"Ruzek and your brother fill you in on what's going on?" he asked.

"Yes, sir." Jess didn't squirm, didn't look away. It was painful.

Voight looked to Jay and nodded to himself. "Alright. You tell us if this is too much. We need an ID, but if we don't get it today, we'll get it when you're ready. I know you've been going through a rough time. We'll find a reason to hold them until you make an ID."

Jess blinked against tears. "I can do this, sir."

Voight studied her and one side of his mouth twitched in humor. "You're a Halstead alright. Jay, take her down there."

Jess let out a breath of relief when the sargaent's eyes were no longer on her. She finally drew in a breath when Jay led her down a hallway away from all the eyes on her.

"You can do this," Jay assured her.

Jess nodded. She could do this, she repeated to herself. Just point to the two guys she saw pull the triggers.

The memory of the flashes of gunfire filled her vision. Jess slammed her eyelids shut and sucked in a breath. She could smell the sharp sting of gunpowder in her nostrils, see the two bodies drop. Danny's grip on her arm was hard, bruising, as he yelled at her to run.

 _"Run, Jess!" he shouted, pulling at her. Jess couldn't move. Her feet were planted and she couldn't lift them. She couldn't sort what was happening from what had happened in Afghanistan. "Jess!"_

"Jess!"

Jay's voice. Why was Jay here? Had he come to arrest Danny?

"Jess, look at me!"

Startled, Jess blinked against the fluorescent lights. Jay was trying to get her to meet his eyes.

Jess could feel her chest rising up and down rapidly, her breath coming in short gasps.

"We're not doing this," Jay said. He started leading her back the way they had come from.

Jess tried to get her shaking legs to keep pace with him. Jay kept her tucked close to his side when they got to the bullpen. Jess kept her head down, trying to keep her mind in the present. Breathe in. Breathe out.

She saw Ruzek jump up when he saw her. Mouse was pacing and stopped to stare at her and Jay. The entire team was looking. She squeezed her eyes shut. She didn't want to do this to Jay. To embarrass him in front of his friends and coworkers.

A teenage girl sat next to Antonio's desk. She tilted her head to the side and watched Jess curiously.

"Eva, don't stare," Antonio murmured under his breath.

"She's not going to look at the line up," Jay said firmly. He didn't show any sign of embarrassment, having his broken sister next to him, barely holding onto reality.

"Ok," nodded Antonio. "Then we find Danny and he IDs them. Burgess, you and Al hit the streets. Shake down any lead you find."

"Right," Kim said. Her eyes softened as she looked at Jess. "Jess do you need any—"

A door slammed down the hall and Jess jolted. All she could think of was the teen girl next to Antonio. She was too young to be caught in gunfire.

In one motion, Jess grabbed the girl and forced her down behind the desk, ready to protect her.

"Whoa, hey!" Antonio said.

"Jess," Jay called. "It was just a door. You just heard a door slam."

The faces in front of her faded in and out of focus. She looked around, trying to find Jay. She thought she heard his voice. The girl next to her struggled to get up. Jess didn't loosen her grip on her. "Stay down till it's clear," she said, her heart racing.

"Soldier!" a rough voice barked, cutting through the confusion.

Jess kept the girl shielded with her body and looked toward the voice. She recognized the voice. A sergeant. He was a sergeant.

"Soldier, stand down," he ordered, his voice not inviting discussion.

Jess immediately released the girl and stepped back.

The girl ran to someone, calling him dad.

Jess blinked as things came back into focus. Jay stood in front of her. He looked like it pained him to see her.

Her legs were going to give out. She wasn't…she couldn't…

"Easy there."

Mouse. Mouse had her. He eased her down into a chair, his voice quiet next to her ear.

"Thanks, Sarge," Jay said quietly. But Jess could hear him. "I'm sorry about that."

Jess stiffened with embarrassment. She felt Mouse run a hand down her arm. "He doesn't mean anything by that," he said into her ear.

"Don't worry about it, Halstead," Voight was saying. He looked at Jess. "You don't worry about it either. Your instinct is to protect. That counts for something."

Not enough. It didn't count for enough. The tremors started then.

"You want me to take you home?" Mouse asked in a low voice.

Jess caught a glimpse of Adam watching her, concern lining his face. He looked to Mouse and his jaw tightened.

Mouse followed her eyes and looked at Adam. His eyes hardened.

Too much. It was too much. Frantically, Jess sought out Jay. He read the panic in her eyes and moved to her side. "Let's go," he said under his breath.

Jess nodded. She avoided looking at Mouse or Adam. She let Jay guide her toward the stairs. She paused as they passed Antonio and Eva.

"I'm…I'm sorry," she whispered to them, meeting their eyes briefly. "So sorry."

She quickly ducked her head and stayed pressed against Jay's side as he guided her down the stairs. She was so sorry for everything.


	14. Chapter 14

**I have another chapter started after this one already, so hopefully no one will be left hanging too long! Let me know if there's anything (or anyone) you'd like to see in the story!**

Jay turned on the last light in his apartment. With every light on, it was as bright as day. Not that Jess looked comforted by the fact.

She was perched on the edge of his couch, rubbing her hands up and down her arms.

Jay stood in front of his fridge. "Are you hungry for anything?"

Jess didn't answer.

"Jess?" He went back into the living room. She was staring at something he couldn't see. Jay sat down on the coffee table in front of her. He reached out a hand and touched her arm lightly. "Jess?"

She dragged herself back to his living room and tried to meet his eyes. "I'm not hungry."

Jay didn't mention that she hadn't eaten all day. After leaving the station Jay had spent the day trying to keep Jess occupied. Not an easy task when he was also trying to keep her away from crowds, loud noises, and anything that could trigger the memories she was trying to avoid.

"Will should be here soon. He said he'd bring pizza."

Jess didn't answer. She looked away from Jay. "I'm sorry about this morning," she said suddenly. She twisted her hands together. "I didn't mean to make a scene. Not in front of your team."

"It's fine," Jay assured her. "They know you're going through a rough patch."

Jess gave him a look.

Jay winced. "Ok, more than just a rough patch."

"Jay, I held a gun on them yesterday. And they had to sit with me while I came off the drugs. And I hooked up with one of them. And they saw me lose it with the flashbacks. Twice. Your team thinks I'm a wreck."

"No one thinks—" Jay stopped and gave her a hard look. "You hooked up with Ruzek?" His mouth pressed into an unforgiving line.

"What?" Jess shook her head. "No. Adam and I didn't…" She realized what she had said and trailed off.

Jay tried to keep the anger from his voice. "Then who?"

"Pizza's here!" Will called, opening the front door.

Jess quickly rose and went to take the box from him. She set it on the counter.

Will dropped his jacket on the back of a chair and pressed a kiss to the top of Jess' head. "How are you feeling?" It wasn't a passing question. He stopped and waited for an answer.

Jess glanced at Jay and crossed her arms. "I'm ok," she answered softly.

"You sure?" Will asked.

"I'm, uh," she swallowed hard. "I'm a little shaky." Jay could hardly hear the words she confessed to Will.

To his credit, Will didn't bat an eye. Jay was still reeling from finding out Jess had hooked up with someone he worked with. He reminded himself that was why Jess would talk to Will.

Will looped an arm around Jess and gave her a squeeze. "We'll get through this. Jay and I are here for you."

Jess met Jay's eyes briefly. "I know." She pulled away from her brothers and went to get plates from the cabinet.

Opening the pizza box, she pulled a slice out for each plate.

"So, I have an idea," Will said.

Jess started to pull down glasses for drinks, but Will stopped her. He handed her a brochure he pulled from the pocket of his scrubs.

"What's this?" she asked. She read the cover, her forehead creased in confusion. She opened it and the confusion cleared, replaced with anger. "Treatment?" she asked.

Jay exchanged a look with Will. Jess didn't miss it.

"You two planned this? You want to send me away to treatment?"

Will was unruffled as she lashed out at them. "We want to help you. And, honestly, I don't think we have been. Jay told me about what happened this morning."

Jess threw the pamphlet down on the counter. "I'm not going to treatment!"

Will followed her as she circled around the counter and stormed out of the kitchen.

"Fine. You don't go to inpatient treatment. You can meet with Dr. Charles at Med. He's a great guy. You can talk to him about what you're going through."

Jess whirled around and faced Will. "A shrink? I'm not seeing a shrink!" She shook her head, looking between her brothers in disbelief. "You guys think I'm crazy."

"We think you need more help than we can give you," Jay said. He took a step toward her and Jess jerked away.

"Yeah, right. Because I didn't come home from saving Afghanistan and get a job saving Chicago right away? Like you did?"

Jess was too angry to see the way both her brothers froze. Will looked at Jay. Jay wanted to argue with him. Jess didn't need to know what he had been through. How could it help her to know he fell apart after what he did overseas? That he sometimes still felt broken.

Jess was slamming her way out of the bedroom with her bag in hand.

Will quickly put himself in her path. "Just wait, Jess. You don't want to go to treatment or see Dr. Charles, we'll work something out. Ok? Just don't leave. We'll figure something out."

Jess gripped her bag tighter. "I'm going back to Dad's. Or somewhere. I'm not staying here."

"I broke," Jay said suddenly. It halted Jess in her steps.

"What?" She looked from Jay to Will.

Will looked down at his feet, giving Jay space.

"I broke. Afghanistan broke me," Jay said.

"Whatever," Jess scoffed, shaking her head. "Don't lie to me, Jay. Don't try to make me feel better about being weak by pretending you were."

"My last tour wasn't my last tour by choice. Mouse dragged me home. The nightmares, staying awake for days, drinking to try to forget…I was there, Jess." He closed his eyes. "Coming home isn't easy for anyone. Not after what we saw over there."

Jess took a step toward him. "How did you…?"

Jay opened his eyes. He looked straight at Jess. "I let people help. I went to meetings at the VA. I talked to Mouse. I didn't do it alone. I stopped trying to keep it all in."

Jess' chin trembled and she blinked back tears. Jay forced himself to stay put. He didn't want to scare her. Not when she was finally listening. He felt Will holding his breath next to him.

Jess relaxed her grip on her bag. She looked around the apartment. "Can I stay here? While I figure things out?"

"Yes," Jay answered without hesitation. "As long as it takes."

She looked to Will. "I'm not doing inpatient treatment," she said, stubbornness causing her chin to lift slightly.

"Ok," Will said. "We can do something else. There are meetings. I'll go with you."

She hesitated. "I don't think I need to do that."

"Jess," Jay said quietly.

Jess squeezed her eyes shut. She took a shaky breath. "I'll try. One meeting."

Will let out a sigh of relief. "We can start with that."

"I'm—I'm sorry," Jess said to both of them. "I never meant to drag the two of you into this. Into my mess."

"We're family," Jay said firmly. "Your mess is our mess."

Jess returned his smile with a small one of her own.

"Here's to messes," Jay said. "This one's not the first and definitely won't be the last mess a Halstead gets into." He slung an arm

around Jess on one side and Will wrapped an arm around her shoulders on her other side.

"We've got you, kid," Will promised. "We'll get out of this one together."

#

Jess managed to eat most of a slice of pizza before pushing her plate away. Jay eyed the small piece she hadn't managed to finish, but didn't say anything. He lifted his Coke and took a drink.

Her palms were damp and she wiped them on her pants. She could feel her heart start to pick up its pace and closed her eyes to take some slow breaths. When she opened them, Will and Jay were watching her. Jess forced a smile that was more of a grimace.

"Why don't we find a meeting tonight?" Will asked, reading the situation correctly.

Jess wanted to retort she didn't need a meeting, she needed a fix. She bit her tongue instead.

Will's pager broke the silence. Frowning he read the message. "I have to go in to work. Jay…?"

"I've got this," Jay assured him. "Jess and I will find a meeting."

Will gave Jess' shoulder a squeeze when he stood. He bent over to meet her eyes. "You can do this." He held up his knuckles and waited for Jess to bump them with her own fist. "Halstead strength," he said.

"Halstead strength," she repeated, trying for some sort of conviction behind the words.

"I'll call and check in later," he said before grabbing his coat and heading out.

Jay smiled at Jess. "Come on. There's a Narcotics Anonymous meeting at Dawson's church tonight. Erin texted me the info earlier."

Jess took a steadying breath. She tried to push her lips into a smile. "Just let me change out of my sweats."

She hurried down the hall and shut the bedroom door behind her. Leaning back against it, she closed her eyes. She could do this. For Jay and Will, she could do this. She could get clean. She could face her demons without drugs.

Opening her eyes, she went to Jay's dresser. She pulled out the top drawer and ran her hands under it. A small envelope was tucked into the drawer frame. She took it and opened it.

The small handful of pills she had stashed there after Jay had flushed what he thought was her entire stash brought a sigh of relief. Jess studied them, chewing on her lower lip. Closing the envelope, she slipped it into her sweatshirt pocket and grabbed some clean jeans from her bag.

Once she had her jeans on, she pulled her phone from her messenger bag. She hesitated, then typed in the text and dropped it back in her bag. Slinging the bag over her shoulder, she opened the door.

"Ready?" Jay asked when she came out of his room.

"Sure," Jess said, shoving her hands into her pockets. She followed Jay downstairs to his car.

The drive to the church was too short. They pulled up before Jess wanted to be there.

Jay found a parking space on the street and started to open his door.

"Jay," Jess said, stopping him. "I think…I think I need to do this without you." She winced, but didn't change her mind.

She could see the hurt cross Jay's face, but he nodded. "I'll be here at 8," he said.

Jess nodded and slipped out of the car. She forced herself not to wrap her hand around the envelope with pills as she climbed the concrete steps up to the church. She could feel Jay watching her so she opened the heavy door and stepped inside.

#

Jay watched Jess go into the church. He started his car and pulled away. He took his first right and found an empty spot with a clear view of the church. He didn't have long to wait.

The door opened and his sister stepped outside. Jay got ready to follow her, but she didn't go anywhere. She avoided the pairs of people smoking outside while they waited for the meeting to start and stood to the side.

Someone must have called to her, she lifted her head and gave a small wave to someone in the parking lot. A lanky man jogged toward her. His movements were familiar.

Jess let him pull her into a hug when he reached the steps. He bent his head down to say something to her. His stocking cap was pulled low and covered his hair. His back was to Jay so he couldn't tell what he said. But he could see Jess give him a smile and nod. She slipped her hand into his. The man pulled Jess close and lowered his head to kiss her.

Jay's hands curled into fists as Jess lifted a hand to the back of the man's head, deepening the kiss. When they finally broke apart, Jess ducked her head and smiled shyly. Jay was about five seconds from getting out of the car when they turned to go into the meeting.

It was Mouse.

#


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks so much for the reviews, you guys. They make me smile and make writing this for someone besides myself totally worth it. Catchmeinwonderland- thanks so much for the high praise! It totally made my day!**

Jess kept her hands fisted on her lap the entire meeting. Mouse was a steady presence next to her. She didn't introduce herself. She didn't talk to anyone. And she definitely did not go to the front of the room to introduce herself, telling everyone "My name is Jess and I'm an addict." But she sat through the meeting. It was a step in the right direction. She glanced at Mouse.

He met her eyes and gave her a crooked grin.

It was a step. She was making progress. When the meeting ended, Jess steered clear of the refreshments and others in the group. She left the basement meeting room as quickly as she could, Mouse right by her side not pressuring her to stay.

The hallway was quiet when the door closed behind them.

"Thank you," she said softly. "Thank you for coming. For sitting through this with me."

"Yeah, of course. Anytime." Mouse rocked back on his heels. "So are you heading back to Jay's?"

"Yeah," Jess said. "He's picking me up soon." She let that hang in the air awkwardly.

"And you don't want him seeing me here with you," Mouse filled in.

Jess shrugged uncomfortably. "I just…Jay and Will don't trust my judgment right now. And I'm not in the best place, I know that, but I really don't need the two of them involved in this part of my life."

Mouse nodded. "Fair enough."

"Really?" Jess asked.

Mouse grinned and cupped her face in his hand. "I like you, Jess Halstead. I'm not going to screw that up by pissing off your brother."

Jess felt her answering smile. She stood on her tiptoes to press a kiss on his warm lips.

"So do I get to see you tomorrow?" Mouse asked.

"I can have Jay find me another meeting," Jess said. Her smile dimmed. "I might need it."

Mouse instantly sobered. "If we go to meetings and that's all we do, it's all good. Call me tomorrow."

Jess felt her stomach twist with guilt at the thought of the pills in her pocket. She should tell Mouse. He was so willing to help her. To be there for her. But she didn't want to screw this up. He was the one good thing in her life. The one thing that made her smile. She needed that. She needed him. But that wasn't fair to him.

Jess closed her eyes as he kissed her good bye. When he left, she felt the coolness of the basement around her. She zipped her sweatshirt and went upstairs to meet Jay out front.

#

He was going to kill Mouse.

Jay watched his best friend head out the side door and get in his car. It took all his willpower to sit inside his own car and not go hunting the traitor down.

It was Mouse sneaking around and hooking up with his sister.

It was a good thing his gun was at home locked in his gun safe.

He was so focused on Mouse, he didn't see Jess come out and approach the car until she opened the door.

"How was the meeting?" he asked tightly.

Jess was subdued. She looked out the window. "It was alright."

Jay's jaw was clenched too tightly to say anything more. He put the car in drive. Jess didn't break the silence.

When they got to the Jay's building, Jess followed Jay up to the brightly lit apartment.

"I'm tired," she said. "I'm going to go to bed."

Jay nodded. He clamped his lips together until the door closed behind her. Pulling out his phone, he dialed Erin.

"What's up?" she asked.

Her voice instantly calmed him. Unhurried, slightly raspy, she was hard to rattle.

"It's Jess," he said. "And Mouse."

Erin didn't say anything.

"Erin? Are you there?" Jay asked. He looked over his shoulder to where Jess was locked in his room and headed into the kitchen.

"I'm here. I'm just waiting for you to tell me the rest." Erin sounded mildly amused.

"They're seeing each other," Jay said, his voice rising. He quickly got control back. "They're sneaking around with each other," he hissed into the phone.

"And what's the problem with that, Jay? Jess is a grown woman. And Mouse is a nice guy. He deserves to find someone."

Jay rested a hand on the cool granite of his counter. He drummed his fingers as he ticked off reasons. "She's in no shape to be meeting any guy right now. She's trying to get her life together. She's trying to get clean. And she's my sister." There. He said the real reason.

"Halstead, you're a piece of work," Erin said. "Get some sleep. Leave your sister and Mouse alone. Got that?"

Jay blew out a sigh.

"I need my partner rested and on top of his game tomorrow. I can't be carrying your weight."

Jay felt a smile tug at his lips. "If I get some rest, does that mean can I drive?"

"In your dreams," Erin said, a smile in her voice. "I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe Mouse and Jess can go out and you and I can have some time together after shift."

Jay's smile grew. "Maybe I can get behind Mouse being with my sister, after all."

#

Jess tossed over onto her stomach. Her legs wanted to run, to move. Do something to carry her away from the memories. She flipped over onto her back and gave them a little shake. Against her will, her eyes were drawn to Jay's oak dresser. The top drawer was slightly ajar, she hadn't pushed it in all the way when she had tucked the envelope back under it.

Tossing the covers aside, Jess swung her legs over the side of the bed. She sat on the edge of the bed, willing herself to calm down. Her phone was on Jay's nightstand. She picked it up. 1 am. She shouldn't text Mouse. He had to work in the morning.

She tossed her phone down and stood in agitation. The room confined her to pacing tight circles between the bed and dresser. She needed to get away from that dresser and what she had stored there.

Her duffel bag held her clothes and toiletries, pretty much everything she owned. Not exactly the sign of a thriving lifestyle. Pushing that thought down, Jess grabbed her running shoes from the bag.

She laced them up, not sure when the last time she ran was. Before Afghanistan.

No thoughts of Afghanistan, she reminded herself. She stood and felt the familiar comfort of her running shoes.

Jay had left the hall light and bathroom light on for her. Jess made her way to the living room where could see her brother, sound asleep on the couch. She was grateful he could sleep. She hoped it was a reprieve from dealing with her for him.

She wished she could get a break from herself.

She made her way silently past him. The front door swung open soundlessly and she eased it shut, holding her breath at the light click of the latch. When Jay didn't come to check, she let out the breath she was holding.

Jess avoided the elevator, opting for the stairwell. Her legs carried her down the stairs and out onto the street.

She didn't pause when she hit the street. She picked up her pace until she was jogging.

As she passed under streetlights, she remembered the lights of the helicopters that would shine down on the base when they came in, carrying more wounded.

She wouldn't think of that. Jess pushed herself to move faster.

When the helicopters landed, the soldiers would be unloaded, each injury worse than the one before. Jess would be there in the mix, shuttling the men through triage: the ones who needed immediate attention, the ones who could wait for treatment, and the ones who had no hope.

There were too many who didn't have hope.

Her feet pounded the pavement. Jess pumped her arms, pushing herself harder. Her chest burned.

She had failed. There were so many caskets that were shipped back to the states because Jess couldn't save them.

Jess gasped for breath, but didn't slow down.

And then there were the times Jess wasn't waiting on base. When she was in the helicopter, trying to get the infantrymen to hang on to life long enough to make it back to the field hospital. She would hold their hands when there was nothing else she could do, watching them take their last breath…

She couldn't run any faster, couldn't catch her breath. With a desperate cry, Jess was forced to a stop. She bent over double, struggling to breathe. Every breath burned, her chest heaving and still not able to drag in enough air. Tears fell from her eyes onto the sidewalk.

#

Adam waved goodnight to the desk sergeant on duty. He didn't glance at his watch. It was late, he was tired. The exact time didn't matter.

He pushed open the door to the precinct and stepped out into the brisk night. He jogged down the steps, nodding a hello to two uniforms heading up the stairs.

Atwater reached over and bumped Adam's fist. "See you tomorrow." He looked at his own watch. "Or today, I guess. Catch some z's and we'll run down some more leads on Danny." He headed toward his car.

Reaching in his pocket for his keys, he scanned the quiet street. A figure across the street caught his eye.

"Jess?" he called.

The girl doubled over, arms wrapped around herself, didn't respond.

Quickening his steps, Adam dodged a car as he crossed the street.

"Hey, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" he asked. He looked her over, trying to find some injury.

"I can't do this," she finally managed, the words bursting out on a sob.

Adam wrapped an arm around her and she leaned heavily against him. Adam helped her ease down to the sidewalk, kneeling next to her as she kept her face in her hands.

Adam kept an arm around her and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Where's Jay?" he asked. "Is he around here?"

Jess shook her head, her messy curls swinging. "He thinks I'm sleeping. But I couldn't sleep. I just—I just couldn't—I can't do this," she repeated. She finally looked at him, dark circles under her eyes. "I can't live with these memories. And I can't live without something to take them away."

A heavy sigh that felt like it came from his soul came out of Adam. "I'm sorry, darlin'."

Jess squeezed her eyes shut. "I need to get away from the memories."

Adam nodded. "We'll help you with that. I'll help you." He turned his phone on. "Do you want me to call Jay?"

Jess shook her head again. "No. Neither one of my brothers can know. I went to a meeting tonight. I told them I could do this—" her voice broke.

"Ok," he said, forcing a mild tone. "We won't call them. Do you want me to call Mouse?" It took everything in him to ask her that.

Tears started flowing again. "No. He went to the meeting with me. He doesn't know…he can't know…I'm not like him and Jay."

Adam slid the phone back into his pocket. He put a hand to her chin and gently held her gaze. "You're just as strong as them."

Jess fidgeted. He was losing her. He could see the nervous energy starting to build.

"Let's go for a run," he said. "That's what you were doing, right?"

Jess nodded. Her tears had stopped and she was starting to look at the shadows like she could see something he couldn't. Adam knew he was grasping at straws, but he was out of ideas.

"Come on," he said, standing and holding out his hands to help Jess up. "We can run back to your brother's place. That where you're staying?"

Jess nodded.

Jeans and a leather jacket weren't the ideal wardrobe for running, but 1 am wasn't the ideal time for a run either. Adam watched Jess from the corner of her eye. When she started to look hunted, her pace increasing, he would ask her something. About her family, her favorite foods, anything to keep her present.

They were both breathing heavily when they reached Jay's building. Jess didn't reach for the door right away.

"I can make it from here," she said. She even managed the hint of a smile.

Adam nodded, more winded than he wanted to admit.

Jess paused, her hand on the door. "You won't tell Jay? Or Mouse?"

Adam looked down the nearly deserted street, he didn't answer right away.

"Please, Adam."

Adam met her eyes. They were clear, the haunted look left somewhere blocks back as they ran together. "As long as you promise to call if you start spiraling. Before you do anything."

"Yeah, sure," Jess answered.

Adam reached his arm over hers and held the door shut. He waited for her to look him in the eye. "Promise me."

Jess swallowed hard. "I promise," she said.

Reluctantly, Adam pulled his hand back and let her go inside. He watched until he couldn't see her through the door anymore.

He hoped he was doing the right thing.


	16. Chapter 16

**I'm loading this chapter for a second time, some sort of weird computer formatting thing happened to the first chapter.**

 **Thanks so much for the reviews! Jules and Kathleen- you guys leave the sweetest notes and half the time you make a passing comment that sparks an idea and makes its way into the story a couple chapters later. I'm working on one of those ideas now. :)**

Jess quickly poured the eggs into the frying pan. She sprinkled some cheese over them before taking a spatula and stirring them.

"Jess?" Jay demanded, not fooled by her pretense of busyness.

"Do you want onions in your scrambled eggs?" Jess asked.

"I want to know what's between you and Mouse. You know, the guy you met at the meeting last night? My best friend and brother."

Jess focused on the eggs. Thank goodness Jay didn't know she had ended up out with Adam last night. The thought intensified the guilt twisting her stomach in knots.

"I'll just ask Mouse, then," Jay said, turning to go.

"NO!" Jess dropped the spatula with a clatter.

Jay leaned back against the counter. He folded his arms. "I'm listening."

There was a knock at the door and Erin let herself in. She took one look at Jess and gave Jay a raised eyebrow.

Jay smiled a humorless smile at her. "Jess was just about to fill me in on her and Mouse. Grab a cup of coffee. This should be good."

Jess fisted her shaking hands. She didn't even understand what was between her and Mouse, how could she explain it to her brother? She understood even less what was between her and Adam.

"Mouse is a great guy," Erin said, smiling at Jess. She slid a warning look to Jay.

"He is," Jay said, sarcastic sweetness in his smile. "Such a great guy to sneak around behind his friend's back. With a girl nine years younger than him."

"He's a friend," Jess said, surprised at the strength of her defense of Mouse. "He…he makes me laugh. And he puts me at ease."

"So you kiss all your friends hello like that?"

"Jay," Erin warned.

Jess flipped off the burner and moved the still raw eggs off the heat. She faced Jay and hiked her chin up stubbornly. "So tell me what you want me to do, big brother. Tell Mouse I'm not allowed to see anyone because…" Her brow knit. "Why exactly? I'm too screwed up to be with anyone?" Her stomach knotted, knowing if that was Jay's reasoning, he was absolutely right.

"Let's take a minute," Erin cut in, stepping between the two of them. Jay started to say something, but Erin held up a hand to stop him and spoke to Jess. "Jess, I've been where you are. And it's not a great place to build a relationship."

"Exactly," Jay seconded.

"Halstead, zip it," Erin said shortly. Her tone gentled when she turned back to Jess. "But your brother kept reaching into the pit I was in and trying to pull me out. And I needed that. If someone is reaching down to help you up, and he knows what he's getting into, there's nothing wrong with that." She turned to Jay and dared him to argue with her. "Nothing."

Erin's words didn't bring Mouse to mind. Jess thought of brown eyes, holding hers, making her promise she would call if she started spiraling. She pressed her lips together hard enough they hurt. She thought of Mouse, the diversion he offered from her problems. His willingness to be there with her.

Her head was starting to hurt.

"I'm going to go back to bed," she said. "I didn't sleep well last night." Because she was out running through the dark until Adam found her. She winced as the pain in her head pierced her.

In Jay's room, she sat on the edge of the bed. She avoided looking at the top dresser drawer. Pulling a pillow over her head, she rolled over away from the easy escape.

#

"All I'm trying to say, Jay, is that Jess is smart. She's not going to mess around with Mouse's affections."

"And what about Mouse?" Jay asked, punching in the code to the Intelligence Unit and sliding his hand over the palm scanner. "He's messing around with a really screwed up girl."

Erin groaned. "That's not what he's doing." She followed Jay up the rest of the stairs.

Mouse looked up from his desk when they passed. "Hey guys."

Jay gave him a hard look and kept walking. Mouse looked to Erin. She gave him a sympathetic look and went to her own desk.

Mouse grabbed a couple papers off his desk and went over to Jay. "I got the rest of those plates run last night. I got addresses for their owners and cross referenced the owners with addresses, former jobs, high school, family members of Danny's."

Jay took the papers without looking at them. "I'm surprised you had time to do all that last night," he said. "What with all the skulking around you had to do."

"The skulking?" Mouse asked, looking thoroughly confused.

Jay tossed the papers on his desk with a sharp slap. "Yeah, Mouse. The secret meetings with my sister!"

Mouse didn't flinch. He held Jay's gaze. "Your sister called me."

"Ok, so _why_ exactly did she call you? Because of all the experience you have going to NA meetings? Or because you're willing to take advantage of her when she's clearly not ready for a relationship?"

Mouse moved so quickly Jay didn't see it coming. He gave Jay a quick shove and pointed a finger in his face. "Don't say that," he said through clenched teeth. "Whatever's between me and Jess is our business. But I would never use her."

For the second time that morning, Erin put herself between Jay and someone. She kept a hand on Jay's chest and looked around at the rest of the team watching them.

Mouse lowered his voice. "You know what it's like, Jay. Coming back from over there. You need all the friends you can get."

Jay narrowed his eyes. "Yeah. _Friends._ She's in no place to be dating anyone. You know that. You know exactly what she's going through and that's no place to be seeing someone."

Mouse went still. His jaw worked, but he didn't argue.

"Alright," Voight's voice broke the loaded silence. "If you two have finished marking your territory, we have a case to work."

Jay didn't move until Mouse had gone back to his desk. He gave Erin a slight nod when she asked if he was ready to get his head in the game.

His jaw clenched and he didn't know if his head was going to be totally in the game until Jess got her life together.

#

Jess couldn't get her life together. She knew that. And Jay clearly knew that. As well-intentioned as Erin was with her pep talk, she was wrong. There was no way Jess was going to get out of this pit. It wasn't fair to drag Mouse into it with her.

Jess closed her eyes and lifted her face to the evening sun shining down.

"Hey."

Jess opened her eyes as Mouse sat down on the concrete step next to her.

"You waiting for Jay to get home?" he asked.

Jess shook her head. "Just getting some air. Thinking."

Mouse looked out at the cars passing on the street. "Yeah. That'll get you into trouble." When Jess didn't say anything more, he looked at her, his shoulder brushing hers as he shifted. "Good thoughts?"

"I think I'm going to go to my meeting alone tonight," she said. She fought the urge to fidget.

Mouse nodded slowly. "Are you sure? You think that's what you need to do?"

No. She didn't know what she needed to do. But she needed to figure it out on ther own. Or at least not let Mouse drown alongside her while she tried. Or Adam. She felt her nails dig into her palm and tried to relax her clenched fists.

"You know I'm there if you need. Just call."

She couldn't find the words to answer so she just nodded.

"You need a ride?"

"Will's on his way. He said he'd drop me off."

Mouse nodded. He stood and put his hands in his pockets. "Call if you want. Let me know how it goes." He paused, lost in his own thoughts before speaking again. "We're friends. I'm here if you need a friend."

Jess nodded again. She tried to manage a smile for Mouse. For everything he was trying to be for her.

Mouse leaned down to kiss her. He hesitated before their lips touched, frowning to himself before pulling away. Jess blinked up at him, uncertain what was wrong. He brushed a kiss on her cheek before straightening up.

He gave her his crooked grin. "I'm pulling for you Jess. I know you've got this."

Jess couldn't help but return his smile. She reached out and traced a light hand down his forearm.

Mouse stepped back. "We'll talk tomorrow."

But firsts she had to make it through tonight, Jess thought to herself.


	17. Chapter 17

**Sorry about the weird formatting with Chapter 16- I hope it's readable for everyone now.**

 **I'm soooo nervous about posting this chapter. Please don't hate me!**

#

"How was your meeting?" Will asked, breaking the silence.

Jess stared out the car window at the buildings they passed. "Fine."

"Mouse didn't go with you tonight?"

Jess slid her eyes to him. "Jay told you?"

Will smiled. "Erin. She wanted to be sure Jay didn't do anything stupid."

Jess turned back to her window. "Stupid seems to be the Halstead way in our twenties, right?"

Will thought about it and gave a shrug. "You've got a point. I partied my way through my time in New York. Jay definitely wasn't making smart decisions when he came home from the war."

"And I'm just continuing the family tradition," Jess whispered to herself.

"You know what else is the Halstead way?" Will asked as he pulled his car into an open space across the street from Jay's building. He turned the engine off, but didn't move to open the door. "Getting through it."

Jess opened her door, avoiding looking at Will. "Right."

She crossed the street with Will, trying to ignore the streetlights shining down on them. Trying not to think about helicopters in war zones. She bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood.

A movement around the corner of Jay's building caught her eye. Will kept walking, unaware. Jess slowed her steps. The figure jerked his head, motioning her over to him.

"I, uh, forgot something in your car." Jess stopped before climbing the single step to the door.

Will fished the keys out of his pocket and started toward the car.

"I can—I can grab it," Jess said. She forced a neutral tone and held out her hand for the keys. "I'll just be a minute."

Will handed over the keys. "See you inside," he said.

Jess waited until the door closed and she was sure he wasn't coming back out before she pocketed the keys and headed for the corner.

She scanned the street warily as she approached the corner of the building.

"Over here," a low voice called.

Jess gave one more check of the street behind her before stepping into the shadows between the buildings.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. "The cops are looking for you. My brother is looking for you."

Danny took a drag on his cigarette and blew out the smoke, his slight frame fidgeting nervously. "They only need me so you don't have to identify those bangers who shot up my boys. They'll also need you to testify."

She didn't want what he said to be true. She felt sick to her stomach at the thought of having to sit in a courtroom in front of strangers and relive what had happened. And have those memories trigger flashbacks while she was on display for everyone to see.

"You're going to let them get away with what they did?" Jess asked. She didn't blame him. She couldn't, she was willing to let them get away with shooting two people to save herself.

"Business is suffering when I have to be in the wind. Can't meet customers anywhere public. They don't know where to find me. I'm not getting any kickbacks from Ruzek when I can't supply him with information."

"So you'll ID the guys? Testify against them?"

Danny gave her a smirk. "Let you off the hook, you mean?"

Jess didn't answer.

"Here's the deal," Danny said, getting serious. "I need to get this taken care of so I can get back to business. But I can't do that unless I have someone I trust dealing for me while I'm on the cops' radar."

Jess wanted to shake her head. She looked down at the ground.

"You have good reason to not screw things up while I'm buddying up to the cops. You turn on me, I stop cooperating with your brother."

Jess finally managed to shake her head. "I'm not dealing for you," she said.

Danny shrugged. "Then they'll need you to play nice with them. Probably go into protective custody until trial. That should be fun, having someone sit on you 24/7. Never a minute to yourself. Never a chance to take a breath on your own."

Jess rubbed her hands over her arms, trying to hide the shaking that was starting in her hands.

Danny clamped his cigarette between his lips while he dug something out of his pocket. He handed the bottle to Jess.

Jess didn't want to take it. She folded her arms, gripping her fingers around her upper arms to keep from reaching out.

"Take it," Danny said kindly. "I'll owe you more than this if you keep my customers happy. And you'll get away from being the one chained to the cops. You can sleep wherever you want, without them staring at you. You said you have nightmares. You want every patrolman in the city getting a turn listening to your worst fears every night?"

Jess almost sighed in relief when she felt the cool plastic bottle in her palm. She didn't open it.

Danny smiled. "Meet me over at the park after dark tomorrow night. I'll get you set up."

"I…I can't…" Jess said.

"You think about it, girl. You know where to find me. Tomorrow night."

He melted back into the shadows, leaving her alone with nothing for comfort but the drugs in her hand.

Swallowing hard, Jess stuck the bottle in her jacket pocket. She hurried back out under the streetlights, squinting at their brightness. A motorcycle started down the block, it's rough engine sounding too much like a helicopter. Jess took a shaky breath and hurried her steps.

Memories flashed in front of her. Soldiers crying in pain, more helicopters bringing in more injured. Gunfire, explosions. The sights came more quickly until she could no longer see the sidewalk. She saw canvas tents, makeshift hospitals in the desert, instead of Jay's apartment complex. A soldier gripped her hand tightly, begging her to help him, to not let him die.

Jess tried to pull her hand away. "I can't help you," she said brokenly.

"Jess."

It was Mouse's voice. Not a dying soldier. Jess tried to see him, see something real.

"Slow down, Jess," Mouse was saying. He reached out and got a hold of her other hand, too.

Jess was forced to stop walking. Her breath came in sharp gasps. She squeezed her eyes shut.

When she stopped moving, Mouse let go of her hands. He put a hand on each side of her face. His blue eyes were steady.

Jess needed steady. Impulsively, she leaned into him, pressing her lips against his hungrily.

Mouse started to respond, before he pulled back abruptly.

"Let's go back to your place," Jess said desperately. Anything to get her away from the memories, the pain.

"No," he said gently. "This isn't what you need. I didn't come here for this. I just wanted to see how your meeting went."

"It's what I need. I need you," she said, her voice sounding frantic, even to her own ears.

Mouse dropped his hands down to her shoulders and gave them a comforting squeeze before releasing her and taking a step back. "Jay was right," he said under his breath.

"What?" Jess shivered slightly, the night air feeling too cool without Mouse next to her.

"You need a friend, Jess. Not a boyfriend. Not a distraction." He shook his head and let out a short laugh. "I'm just a replacement for the drugs for you."

"No," Jess shook her head quickly. "No, you're not. I like you, Mouse. I really like you."

Instead of the crooked grin, his smile was sad. "I know you do. And I really like you. That's why I think we need to just be friends."

It was a blow that hit her straight in the chest. The one thing she thought was going right was gone.

Jess took a step back. And then another. Another, until she turned away from Mouse, from Jay's apartment, from Will and Jay and Erin. She started running. Her feet pounded against the pavement. She heard Mouse call out for her to stop, but she only ran faster, trying to outrun her world finally collapsing in on her.


	18. Chapter 18

Jay slowed his car and scanned the faces of figures huddled against the cold. None of them looked much older than Jess, but none of them was her.

He threw the car in park and got out. As he approached, a couple of them started to back away.

"Hey, we ain't done nothin' wrong, officer."

"I'm not here for you," Jay said. He pointed to the two who were ready to run. "You two make one more move and I'll find a reason to bring you in."

As soon as he got close enough, he pulled out his phone and showed them the picture. "Any of you seen her?"

A couple shrugs, a couple blank looks, and a lot of heads shaking no.

"Look again," Jay said. When none of them seemed to be giving the picture more than a cursory glance, he grabbed the nearest guy by the back of his neck and shoved the phone in his face. "Look," he bit out.

The rest of the group looked again.

"Have you seen her?" Jay demanded.

A car pulled up behind his and Burgess and Olinsky got out. Jay didn't let go of the guy he held.

"Someone's seen her," Jay snapped. He gave the guy in his grip a shake. "Start talking or I'm going to see what all of you have in your pockets."

Olinsky rested a hand on Jay's shoulder. "That's enough," he murmured.

Jay held the phone with Jess' picture for the group for another beat before he shoved the guy away.

Olinsky kept a hand on Jay's shoulder and walked him away from the group. Behind them Burgess addressed the group. "You call this number if any of you see her. And if we find out anyone is holding back any information, you will be locked up so fast your head will spin."

"What are you doing?" Olinsky asked softly.

Jay clenched his jaw and shook his head as Burgess dispersed the group. She approached Jay and her partner.

"Jay, why don't you come back with us? Take a break. You've been looking for Jess nonstop for three days." Her brown eyes were worried. "Have you been sleeping? Stopped to eat anything?"

Jay ran a hand over his face. "I need to find Jess."

"I know. I know," Olinsky said. "We'll find her. We're all looking."

Jay's phone buzzed and he answered it, the tension in his shoulders making its way to his voice.

"You need to get down here," Voight said. "Ruzek just hauled Danny in."

#

Adam faced Danny across the table. "Where've you been, Danny? Huh? You just flee the scene of a shooting, then fall off the face of the earth?"

Danny shook his head, his legs jumping around nervously under the table. "I was trying to come in. I just had some business to take care of first."

"Business?" Adam asked, leaning back in his chair. "You had drugs to sell."

Danny shifted his bony shoulders and squirmed in his seat. "I got things taken care of. Now I'm here. Let me see the line up."

Adam stared him down. Danny fidgeted, putting his hands on the table then back on his lap.

"Where's Jess?" he asked.

Danny stilled briefly, then went back to his nervous movements. The pause was barely there, but enough for Adam to pick up on.

"I don't—I don't know any Jess," Danny said.

"You don't know…" Adam trailed off.

Without warning, Adam jumped to his feet and rounded the table. He grabbed Danny by the back of his jacket and hauled him up.

Voight was in the hallway when Ruzek shoved Danny out of the interrogation room.

"Ruzek," Voight started, but Adam didn't pause.

Dragging Danny behind him, he picked up the pace until the dealer's feet skittered across the floor, struggling to keep up.

"He's going to the cage."

Voight didn't follow and Adam didn't bother to answer Kevin when he told him to slow down and think about what he was doing.

Downstairs, Adam roughly shoved Danny into the chain link pen. He followed him in, the metallic shake of the chains echoing through the garage when he slammed the gate shut behind them.

"Come on, man. Not like this," Kevin said.

"You don't need to be here," Adam said to him, without taking his eyes off Danny.

Kevin didn't leave, but he didn't say anything more.

"So here's what I'm thinking," Adam said to Danny. "You and I, we go back, right Danny? You've been a good CI. Given me some good information."

"Yeah, yeah, man, I've given you lots of information," Danny said, pressing back against the fence.

"So I think I should give you another chance." Adam took a step toward him. "Where's Jess."

Again, the pause. "I don't know, man."

Adam launched himself across the cage and got a hold of Danny's shirt. He lifted him up and slammed him into the fence. It rattled around them. "Where is she?" he shouted.

"He talking?" Jay asked, coming into the garage and taking in what was happening.

"He will," Adam said.

Kevin stepped between Jay and the gate. "Naw, Halstead."

Jay narrowed his eyes at the much larger man. "Move."

"Can't do that," Kevin shook his head. "You and Adam against one little worm? I'm not down with those odds."

"Th-thank you," Danny called out.

Kevin whirled around and pinned him with a look. "Don't be thanking me. You tell Officer Ruzek everything you know, or I'm not holding Detective Halstead back. I'm joining both of them in there with you."

Adam pushed Danny higher up against the fence. "Talk."

#

Jess shivered. She wished she had an extra sweatshirt with her. At least the metal of Danny's pistol was warmed by her skin where she had it tucked into her waistband.

Three kids approached. She could see the bills wadded up in the tallest one's hand. They couldn't be more than fifteen.

"You stepping in for Danny?" he asked when they got close.

Jess wanted to say she wasn't. But she couldn't. She had managed to get Danny to agree to let her keep whatever she made. She only had to do this until she had enough money to get out of town. Away from Jay and Will and the look on their faces every time she couldn't get herself pulled together. Away from trials and police lineups.

The youngest of the kids looked around nervously and Jess shook her head. "I don't have anything," she lied.

The tall one frowned. "Ramirez said you were selling."

"Not to you." Jess folded her arms. "Go home. Do your homework," she said, disgusted.

The three of them looked like they were going to argue. Jess raised an eyebrow and lifted the hem of her shirt enough for them to catch a flash of the pistol. They backed away quickly and took off running.

Jess held her ground until she was sure they were gone before she lifted shaking hands to her face. What was she doing? She wished she still had her phone. She wished she had someone to call. But she had thrown it into the river after Mouse called, begging her to come back and talk to him. She was done talking.

The thought of Mouse had her chest squeezing painfully and her hands shook harder. She set down Danny's bag and sorted through it until she found the bottle she wanted. Her hands shook as she worked the cover off.

Just one. Just one to get her through another day. And then she could get on a bus and be done with Chicago.

#

Mouse took in Ruzek's scraped knuckles as soon as he came back into the bullpen. Jay and Kevin followed him. It was killing him to be stuck behind his desk, with all his useless technology, when Jess was out there.

"Did he talk?" Mouse asked. After Jess had run from him, he had lost her. He had tried calling her and then her phone had gone dark. He could trace it to the river and no farther. He had no doubt she had tossed it in so no one could find her.

"He doesn't know where she is," Adam said tightly. "But she's dealing for him."

"That's not…Jess wouldn't…" Mouse started. He looked at Jay's stony face. He ran his hands through his hair and dropped down in his chair.

Voight had come in and heard Adam's bleak statement. "Ok, so we start figuring out who this kid deals to. One of them leads us to Halstead's sister."

Erin stood up when Jay walked past and followed him into the break room. Mouse saw her squeeze his hand and say something to him that was probably meant to bring comfort, but didn't lessen the anger on his face.

Mouse jumped to his feet. He tossed the papers on his desk around until he found his keys and snatched them up.

"What do you think you're doing?" Voight asked.

"I'm getting out there and looking," Mouse said.

Voight crossed the bullpen and planted himself in Mouse's path. "No. You're not."

For a split second, Mouse debated shoving his way past the sergeant. Voight raised his eyebrows, silently daring him to.

"I can't sit here," Mouse burst out. "Sit behind that desk while everyone else gets out there and looks for Jess. Does the actual work."

"Yeah, well they're the actual cops," Voight reminded him. "You're a civilian contractor and your place is behind that desk."

Everything in Mouse rebelled at the words. This wasn't where he belonged. He belonged in the action. He was a soldier, trained to be out there, not babysitting computer monitors and traffic cameras.

"Come on, Mouse," Jay's voice came quietly behind him. "Let's take a break."

Mouse hesitated. He stared Voight in the eye. Finally he broke the contact. He didn't follow Jay. Instead he strode off to the server room. He was the one who had driven Jess away, to Danny and to the drugs again. He couldn't live with that. He would find a way to track her down. Otherwise he didn't know how he would live with himself.

#


	19. Chapter 19

**Sorry it's been awhile since I've been able to update. Life! It's busy and crazy.**

 **This chapter felt therapeutic to write. I was SO heartbroken when Mouse left the show and when I started writing this, I knew I was either going to use it to process him leaving or rewrite what I wish would have happened (him staying).**

 **Forjoeyalways- WOW. Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words! I was overwhelmed by everything you said. And thank you for saying writing is my thing. :) I was getting really bogged down in my writing "day job" with my agent/publishers/editors, and had lost all joy in writing. This story was an outlet from the stress of life and the pressures of writing for "work". Your words meant more than I can say.**

"We need to meet." Jess gripped the burner phone and scanned the shadows around the river.

"You have money for me?"

Jess thought she saw someone and ducked closer to the pillar holding up the freeway overhead. "Can you meet or not?" she asked impatiently. Impatient was easier than giving in to the tears of hopelessness. Anger, frustration…those could keep her moving. She couldn't afford to feel anything else.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll meet you." Danny sounded more on edge than she felt. She bet he was only agreeing so he could dip into the supply he had left with Jess.

Jess named the place and hung up before she had to listen to any more of Danny.

She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. The cars rolling overhead were a constant hum. She wished she could have some quiet.

She ventured to the edge of the water, even though it exposed her more to the late September breeze. The inky water flowed past her. Cars continued to move overhead. Everything moving on while she was stuck. Not even stuck in the present. Stuck in the past. In Afghanistan. She stared into the opaque water, memories consuming her.

"Jess."

Mouse's voice mixed in with the memories, a calming presence in the middle of the chaos and terror.

"Jess?"

The memories faded and Jess saw the murky river in front of her again. The air was cold and damp, not the hot desert wind stinging her as it threw sand against her skin.

Mouse was standing at the edge of the river, far enough away he couldn't reach her. And she couldn't step into his arms. Jess pulled her sweatshirt more tightly around herself and shivered.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. She wished her voice sounded stronger, less raw.

"You called Danny," Mouse said. He shoved his hands in his pockets and for a second, Jess imagined he did it to keep from reaching out for her. "I've been sorting through pod footage, traffic cameras, pinging burner phones, tapping Danny's phone for days."

"Why?" she asked. Had she got Danny in trouble by calling him?

Mouse's blue eyes pierced hers, even through the dark. "Same reason Jay and the rest of the unit have been canvassing half the city. And why Will is calling every hospital in the city twice a day to see if anyone with your description has been brought in."

Tears stung at her eyes and Jess blinked them away. She didn't want her brothers to worry. She didn't want their lives revolving around her. Around her failures.

"Do you need anything?" Mouse asked.

Jess' head jerked up to look at him. "You're not bringing me in? Telling Jay where I am?"

Mouse's eyes darkened and he held her gaze. "You should come home. I didn't mean to…didn't want to hurt you."

But he had. Jess took a step back and shook her head.

"Jess, what we were together…" Mouse's jaw worked and his voice sounded strained. "I wasn't helping you get better. I was helping you avoid what you need to deal with."

"You don't know—" Jess started, but Mouse cut her off, his words decisive.

"I know exactly what you were dealing with. I saw buddies live through the same thing you're trying to. And being around you..." Mouse paused. Jess could see him weighing her reaction in his mind. She tried to square her shoulders, steady her shaking, be strong enough to hear what Mouse had to tell her.

"I realized I'm not in that place anymore," he said finally. "I'm not struggling. And I'm still a soldier."

It was the last thing Jess expected him to say. "What?" This time, her steps carried her toward him.

Mouse's mouth tightened. "I can't spend my days behind a desk while Jay goes out and fights."

Jess shook her head. Her curls blew in her eyes, but she didn't brush them away. Her hands were too busy reaching out for Mouse, gripping him, holding him here with her in Chicago. "You can't. You can't."

"What am I going to do? Join the academy? Be a 31 year old rookie?" Mouse's lips lifted in a sad smile. "Come on, Jess." One of his thumbs brushed at a tear that ran down her cheek. He bent down so their foreheads were nearly touching, his eyes locked on hers. "You did this. You did this for me. You made me realize I'm ready to get back to living."

Jess sniffed. "I wish I hadn't."

Mouse grew serious. "I'm not going to go until I know you'll be ok."

Fear gripped at her throat. How could she promise she would be ok?

"Let me take you home. Back to Jay's. He's freaking out. Like out of his mind with worry."

And there was the panic. The thought of forever being the broken Halstead. The one Jay and Will had to drop everything to take care of. Because these demons were too big for her. Their hold was too strong for her to break.

"Tell Jay I'm fine," Jess said. She didn't recognize the voice coming from her. The hard voice, its words clipped. "I can take care of myself without him. Without you." Pain and loss made her words bitter. "Without selling Danny's junk." She stalked over to the bag and tossed it toward Mouse. She took the cheap flip phone out of her pocket and threw it on the ground, stomping on it and grinding it under the heel of her shoe. From her waistband she pulled out Danny's gun and flung it into the river.

"I don't need any of it. Any of you," she spit out between clenched teeth.

#

"You just let her go?" Jay yelled.

Mouse shifted his shoulders. His jaw clenched. "What did you want, man? You wanted me to restrain your sister and drag her home?"

"No, of course not," Will said.

"Yes!" Jay snapped, ignoring Will. Jay swung around to face Will. His mouth pressed into a tight line. "You're just fine with Jess living out on the streets?"

"Of course not!" Will looked like he wanted to throttle his younger brother right there in the middle of Jay's living room. "Of course I'm not fine with any of this!"

Jay took a step toward Will. His eyes narrowed and his voice lowered with dangerous control. "Then maybe you should do something besides waiting around for her to turn up DOA at Med."

Fed up, Will shoved aside the finger Jay was pointing at him. Jay's eyes widened in surprise before narrowing again. He shoved Will hard on the shoulder, forcing Will to take a step back to catch his balance.

Will's expression matched Jay's and he returned the shove, only harder and with both hands. Control broken, Jay lowered his head and hurtled himself at Will, tackling his brother onto his back on the coffee table, which snapped with a sharp crack, dropping both of them onto the floor.

Will shoved himself off the broken pieces of wood and lunged at Jay, getting a grip around Jay's torso, rolling him over.

The punches started then. Both brothers landed blows without trying to ward any off. Neither of them realized Mouse was trying to pull them off one another until one of them connected with his face and sent him flying backward with a bloody nose.

The only sound in the apartment was their ragged breathing. The three of them looked at each other.

Mouse pressed his shirt against his nose, blood seeping through. Will looked down at his hands and cradled right in left, the knuckles already swelling. Jay sat back hard against the armchair, his leg kicking against what was left of his coffee table.

"So…this was helpful in getting Jess home," Mouse commented drily from behind his shirt.

Jay let out sharp laugh and then hissed in a breath, grabbing at his ribs.

"They broken?" Will asked, unconcerned.

Jay eyed him. "Probably no worse than your cheekbone."

Will felt the bruise already forming and winced.

Jay used his sleeve to dab at the blood coming from a split in his own lip.

"What are you guys doing?" Mouse asked quietly.

Will closed his eyes and shook his head.

Jay stared across the room, unseeing. "I don't know," he finally said. He looked at Will, then at Mouse. His brothers. "I don't know. I don't know how to help Jess and it's killing me."

Will pushed himself up, sucking in a breath between clenched teeth. He went over to Jay and held out his hand, the one not bruised and swollen.

Jay gripped his hand. He let Will pull him to his feet, hissing out his own breath of pain.

"So what do we do?" Will asked.

The question echoed around them in the silence.

"We wait," Mouse finally said. "And we're here when she's ready."


	20. Chapter 20

**This was not supposed to be such a long time between updates, I hope it was worth the wait! I love hearing what you think. :)**

 **Who's excited for the US season premiere tonight? I can't wait!**

 **#**

"What happened to you?"

Voight heard Erin's exclamation through his open office door. It took a lot to get a rise out of her. He ventured to the doorway to scan his bullpen.

Jay was shrugging Erin off, trying to get to his desk with minimal fuss. Voight felt an eyebrow raise at the sight of Halstead's face. A black eye, a busted lip, and good welt on the forehead.

"What's the other guy look like?" Atwater asked.

"Something like this," Mouse answered, coming up the stairs.

Burgess gasped at the sight of Mouse's two black eyes framing an equally bruised nose.

"You hit Mouse?" Erin exclaimed, her expression vacillating between horror and disbelief before landing on anger.

"It was an accident," Jay clarified, giving Mouse a quelling look.

Mouse ignored it.

"Yep. Totally accidental he nailed me. It was not, however, an accident that he laid Will out and Will cracked Jay's ribs. Pretty sure Will wanted to break a few bones."

"This is you keeping your head on straight while your sister is missing?" Voight finally asked, bringing the conversation to a deafening silence.

Jay's eyes narrowed as he turned toward his sergeant. Erin laid a restraining hand on his forearm.

Everything within him wanted to shake off Erin's hand. She sensed it, because she tightened her grip on his arm. Jay hissed out a breath between his teeth and looked away.

Voight nodded to himself. "Halstead, you're at your desk today. I don't need cracked ribs slowing us down." He didn't give Jay a chance to argue, turning and heading back into his office.

Jay took a step to chase him down, but Erin still had his arm.

"Don't," she said. The quiet tone didn't lessen the force of the word. "So help me, Halstead, I'll break the rest of your ribs if you don't take a breath here."

Jay looked over at Mouse. It was pretty much the same thing Mouse had told him and Will. To wait. To let Jess come to them.

"Take a breath?" he asked Erin.

She raised an eyebrow in response.

Jay wasn't sure how he was supposed to take a breath when he couldn't breathe, not knowing where his baby sister was. Not knowing if she was in danger. If she was—

A chair pushed back abruptly across the bullpen and Adam stood. He grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair.

"NO," Erin said, her attention turning from Jay to Ruzek.

Adam ignored her, pocketing his keys and heading for the stairs.

"Ruzek," Atwater called.

No response. Adam left them behind. Let them 'take a breath'. He wasn't sitting around while Jess was out dealing, putting herself between suppliers and junkie buyers, right in the middle of a gang turf war.

He told himself he was doing what any good cop would do. Serve and protect.

But he usually was able to serve and protect without thinking of haunted blue eyes.

#

Adam took a long tour of the city.

It wasn't much of a tour, not when he wound through all the streets where the homeless congregated, past shelters with people lined up outside, and the parks where drug deals went down. It was more of a survey of the dark side of the city.

And no Jess.

Turning down another street, lined with duplexes and small yards littered with trash, Adam scanned the people sitting on the porches.

Down at the end of the block, he saw someone pull a sweatshirt hood up over her head. She turned and started walking, head down, hands in pockets, away from him.

Adam pressed his foot on the accelerator until he was alongside her. She picked up her pace.

Rolling down the window, Adam called out to her. "Jess."

He didn't miss seeing her shoulders tighten, her hands jam down farther in her pockets. But she didn't turn to him.

"Are you ok?" Adam asked.

Still no answer.

"Do you need anything?"

She finally looked toward him and he tried not to react when he saw the dark circles under her eyes, her smooth skin under a layer of grime from living on the streets. Her cheekbones were more pronounced, her face gaunt. But the hopelessness in her eyes was what scared him.

She quickly covered the hopelessness with a flash of anger. "Are you here to save me? Jay sent Mouse first and now you? Is Erin next in line?"

"I've been worried."

Jess stopped walking and turned to face him. She studied him and Adam was sure she was listening, he could see the hard slash of her mouth softening. And then she took a step toward him. "Tell Jay I can take care of myself. I'm not his problem." She started to turn, then swung back. "And I'm definitely not your problem."

She turned quickly and started back the way she came.

Adam shifted into park and got out of his car. It only took an easy jog to catch up to her angry stride.

"You promised me." He could tell she remembered. "If you start spiraling…"

"Before I do anything," she finished, her words quiet. She met his eyes, the mask of anger stripped away again.

It was like a punch to the gut, seeing the raw vulnerability on her face.

"You're spiraling," Adam said softly.

Jess looked away, blinking quickly. Her lips trembled and she pressed them together.

"But you don't have to hit bottom," he said. "Not if you let someone help."

Her emotion came out as a bitter laugh, shaky and ready to break. Adam could hear the tears pressing to be released. "You don't think this is bottom?" she asked.

Adam shook his head. "It's not bottom until there's no one left to catch you."

She finally looked at him again, tears on the edge of her lashes, ready to spill. She didn't ask the question. Not out loud.

"I'll catch you," he promised.

#

Jess tried not to fidget as Adam drove. She kept glancing at his phone, his radio, waiting for him to call Jay.

"I told you I wouldn't," he finally said, no animosity in his words.

"What?" she asked.

"I told you I wouldn't tell Jay. You can crash at my place and I won't tell Jay. Telling your brother is up to you."

Jess nodded, licking her lips. She wove her shaking fingers together. Her feet shifted nervously on the floor mat of the car.

"How long since your last fix?" Adam asked.

Embarrassment squeezed at Jess. That's what she had become. Someone who needed a fix. And Adam could see that.

"Last night," she said. She wanted to tell Adam that she was fine, that every nerve in her body wasn't strung out and screaming for the relief a hit would give. "I'm—I'm," she started.

"Darlin', you're not fine," Adam said before she could lie to him. He pulled into the lot next to his building and put his car in park. He turned to her, his brown eyes serious. "You don't need to tell me what you think I want to hear."

Jess nodded, relieved when he opened his door and got out, his presence overwhelming her. She followed him into the building and up to his apartment. He unlocked the door and stepped inside.

Jess glanced around. This was where she had gone when she wanted help. The night Adam had held her so she could sleep. Her cheeks burned. And now she was back. She ran a hand through her stringy hair, knowing the comforting friendship of before wasn't an option anymore. Not when she had sunk to this.

"I, uh…" Adam didn't go into the apartment any farther after he closed the door behind her. "I need to make sure you don't have anything on you," he said, wincing.

She deserved nothing less than the shame that threatened to burn her and she knew it. Jess took off her sweatshirt and tossed it to him so he could see her pockets were empty. She turned out the pockets of her jeans. Nothing more than a ten dollar bill left from what she had sold for Danny.

"Thanks," Adam said.

Jess shrugged and shook her head, grabbing her sweatshirt back from him.

"Do you want a shower?" Adam asked.

Jess managed a nod. Of course Adam wouldn't want her in his house in her current state. She reminded herself she had earned her place in this pit of embarrassment.

Adam led her to the small bathroom and handed her a clean towel off a shelf. "I'll get you some clean clothes. Take as long as you need."

Jess nodded, setting the towel aside on the edge of the sink so she didn't soil it with her filth.

Adam started to walk out, then stopped at the medicine cabinet. Opening the mirrored door, he pulled out two bottles. "Injured on the job last year and then at the gym," he said, trying for an easy smile and failing. "The gave me way better stuff than I needed."

Jess couldn't meet his eyes. She waited for him to take the painkillers from the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Peeling off her clothes and letting them fall to the floor she stepped into the shower, turning the water to a scalding stream.

The water wasn't nearly as hot as the tears that streaked down her face, sobs shaking her frame as she leaned her forehead against the porcelain tile.

#


	21. Chapter 21

**I hope this is a fun chapter for everyone! Let me know if you have any requests for characters we haven't seen much, or anything you'd like to see. I have a Chicago Fire story I'm thinking of starting soon, so feel free to send some requests for that as well! I only have a very rough outline of what that one will be.**

Jess pushed up the sleeves of the long sleeve shirt Adam had given her to wear. The sweatpants that belonged to him dragged on the ground as she paced to the windows. Beads of sweat dotted her forehead as she looked down at the city lights. She could see a park down the block where she could score. She had ten dollars—

"You doing ok?"

Adam's voice jolted her away from the window. She fisted her hands inside the sleeves that fell down to cover them. Her throat was scratchy, she couldn't get an answer out for him.

Adam, in gray sweatpants that fit his tall frame and a navy t shirt, padded to the kitchen. Jess heard a cabinet open and the water turn on. She closed her eyes and took a shaky breath.

When she opened them, Adam was holding out a glass of water to her.

Jess took it. When her trembling hands couldn't hold it without water sloshing over the side, she set it down with a loud clank on the end table. She fisted her hands again, pulling away from Adam.

Adam didn't crowd her. "You don't have to do it this way," he reminded her again. "They can help you through this over at Med. Give you something while you're going through the worst of it."

"Lock me up on the Chem Dep unit," she said through gritted teeth. The tremors were bad. Even her jaw was trembling. "And have Will checking in on me round the clock." She shook her head. "I'm not doing that. Not having my brothers watching my every move." She looked at him and held his eyes. "I'm just here to get clean. I'm not your responsibility, either. I'll be out of here in a day or two."

"No rush," he said easily. "We'll take it a day at a time."

Jess took a step back. She shouldn't be doing this. Adam didn't need to be dragged down with her. She pressed a hand to her feverish forehead. Why was she pulling Adam into her mess? She needed to get out of here—

"Favorite 80s movie?" Adam asked, drawing her back to him. His words were easy, but Jess saw the worried lines on his forehead.

She shook her head. "I can't…can't think of…"

Adam grabbed the remote and flipped on the large flat screen that squared off opposite his couch.

"Come on. The real classics are on at 3 am. The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller, all the best ones."

Jess let him lead her to the couch. She sat, rubbing her damp palms against the soft sweatpants. Every noise made her jump.

Adam reached over and rested a hand on hers, stilling her anxious movement. Gently, he turned her hand over and clasped it in his, giving it a light squeeze.

Jess forced herself to take a breath. His hand was warm around hers. Against her will, her other hand moved to grasp his hand between both of hers, a lifeline she clung to.

#

Jay ignored the cold mist that settled on his shoulders. He followed Olinsky across the damp pavement until they got to the bodies. More fallout from the drug war. But now a Senator's kid had been caught in the crossfire with his dealer. So it was Intelligence's case.

Jay gave the bodies a cursory glance, releasing a breath when both faces were unfamiliar. He wasn't sure how much longer he could do this. Hold his breath every time he had to look at a body, hoping it wasn't Jess this time.

He wiped a hand over his face, getting his attention back to the brief rundown Olinsky was giving him on what they knew so far.

Erin came up behind him. "Same story?"

"Two more dealers gunned down. Rival gang, but no proof," Jay summarized. He thought of the one case they did have witnesses for. Danny would be testifying tomorrow for the murder he and Jess had witnessed. Then Jess would be in the clear, no price on her head as a witness. Maybe she would turn up then. Or Danny would lead them to her.

"Jay?"

Jay looked up to see Olinsky, Erin, and Burgess watching him. He shook his head. He had no idea what he had missed.

Olinsky's dark eyes didn't give a lot away, but Jay could read the sympathy there. "Head back to the precinct," he said quietly. "Start running names see if any victims have connections outside the gangs."

Jay wanted to argue. He felt Erin's hand on his shoulder. "Let's go," she said.

Jay headed to the car. He managed to keep himself from looking back at the bodies to reassure himself his sister was ok. She hadn't turned up dead.

#

Jess took a step backward, hitting the counter behind her. Her fingers curled around the edge of the countertop. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. There was no one here. Here in Adam's apartment. She repeated the facts to herself.

She opened her eyes and scanned the apartment, sure she was seeing shadows move in the broad daylight. The tables were knocked over, a lamp shattered on the floor. The sunlight reflected off a piece of glass from the mirror that had been knocked off the wall. Jess squinted at the glare in her eyes. A truck roared by outside.

Jess' breath hitched. The glare was from a piece of broken glass, she reminded herself. It wasn't the glare off the windshield of a Humvee.

"Chicago," she whispered to herself. "I'm back in Chicago."

From the apartment above came a thump and Jess flinched. She rounded the kitchen island and flung open a drawer. Nothing but dishtowels. Opening another, then another until she found what she was looking for. Gripping the handle of the butcher knife, she made her way out of the kitchen, continuously scanning for an enemy.

#

Adam picked up his phone and glanced at the screen again. No calls. No texts. He felt eyes on him and looked up to see Mouse watching him. He put his phone down and turned back to his computer screen.

Another five minutes dragged by before he looked at his phone again. Then twenty minutes with nearly as many glances at his phone. At least Mouse had left so he didn't have anyone watching his futile check for messages.

"I'm grabbing lunch," he said abruptly. He grabbed his phone and keys, shrugging into his jacket. He didn't wait for a response from anyone.

He had made the drive home at least twice a day for the last two days. Lunch, meeting a CI, whatever excuse was handy depending on the time of day. The first day he had found Jess sound asleep on his couch, making up for her sleepless first night. Yesterday, she had been pacing and Adam had convinced her to go for a run with him. Kim had raised her eyebrows at him when he had got back to the 21st, after a lunch break that had lasted double what he usually took.

He didn't have any idea what to expect today. Last night had been the first night Jess had slept. Fitfully, broken by two nightmares, but she had slept.

He quickly made his way to his fifth floor apartment. He paused when he saw the door ajar. Pulling his gun from his holster, he cautiously pushed open the door.

Someone had been here. Jess had fought with an enemy that wasn't just in her head . Adam scanned the living room and kitchen for a sign of Jess or an intruder, but only saw the aftermath of a struggle. A quick glance in the bathroom and no Jess. The door to his room was shut. Keeping his gun ready, he slowly twisted the knob and pushed the door open, holding his breath.

Jess was seated on the floor against the far wall, pressed as far from the door as she could get. Her eyes wide with terror, she brandished one of his kitchen knives.

Adam took his eyes off her only long enough to make sure no one else was in the room. Seeing it was clear, he holstered his gun and crossed to Jess in three steps. Brushing her hair back, he took in her black eye and the cut across her temple.

"Adam," she said softly, her voice shaking.

She recognized him. Relief coursed through him. She wasn't lost in some flashback where he couldn't reach her.

Gently prying her cold fingers from the knife handle, Adam laid it aside and wrapped his hands around hers, willing warmth into their iciness.

"They—they—came here," she stammered, terror still fresh in her eyes. "I fought…I fought them."

"Who?" Adam demanded.

Jess winced and reached up toward the gash on her head. Adam grabbed one of his t-shirts off his bed and pressed it against the cut that continued to bleed. "You need stitches." He shoved aside the questions he wanted to ask. have to wait.

"No!" she exclaimed. "I'm not going there. We…you said…" She blinked more rapidly and shook her head, looking confused. "We had a deal. You weren't…" her words slowed. "Don't tell Jay. It was…"

"Who?" Adam asked again. "Who did this?"

Jess looked at him and her eyes focused again. "Danny," she said through gritted teeth. "It was Danny and his supplier."

"Danny did this? Your dealer?"

Jess clenched her jaw and Adam didn't think she was going to say anything more. She took the t-shirt from him and held it to her own head, pulling away from him. "He's supposed to testify tomorrow. I was supposed to be keeping his business going. We had a deal."

Adam stood up abruptly. "That little—" He spun toward the door. "I'll kill him."

Jess squeezed her eyes shut. Her hand holding the bloody shirt against her head shook.

Adam knelt down next to her. "Come on. Let's get you up." He helped her to her feet, relieved when she looked steady. He stayed by her side until she made it to the bed and helped her sit on the edge.

"Are you going to be OK?" he asked. "Are you sure we shouldn't get you to Med?"

"I'm fine," she said, not convincing him. "Just shook up."

Adam ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't know…when I saw the door was open…" He shook his head. "I was worried about you, darlin'." His hand rested at the back of her head and then he was moving toward her, his lips on hers.

He didn't know how much he had wanted this until her lips parted slightly against his. Her hand had a grip on the front of his shirt and she pulled him closer, her desperation matching his. She leaned back on the bed and pulled him down on top of her.

"Jess," Adam breathed against her lips. She responded by deepening the kiss.

Abruptly, Adam pulled back. "We can't do this."

"What?" Jess blinked those blue eyes at him, hurt mingling with confusion, and it almost undid him. Then realization dawned and the hurt intensified. "Right. You're right." She reached a hand self-consciously to her black eye and the cut that had finally stopped bleeding. "I appreciate you helping me out. I know having a junkie staying with you isn't easy."

Adam frowned. "That's not…That's how you think I see you?"

Jess swallowed hard and stood. "I can't stay here. I shouldn't have…" She started toward the door, down the hallway. Her steps faltered when she took in the mess in the living room, but she moved toward her duffel bag in the corner.

"Jess," Adam said. He caught up to her and blocked her path to the door. "I like having you here. You're not some sorry case I'm trying to help. I like you. You're kind, you're gentle. And damn if you aren't stronger than anyone I know."

Jess hesitated. Adam took the bag from her hands and tossed it aside. "Stay," he said.

He could see her wavering. He took a step closer and lowered his head towards hers. "Stay," he said, close enough the word brushed her lips. "I like you, Jess."

Finally she gave him a nod. She would stay.

#


	22. Chapter 22

**Sorry it's been so long since an update!**

 **Chapter 22**

Adam tossed on the couch. Down the hall, he could hear Jess roll over in his bed. He scrubbed a hand through his hair and reminded himself again why he was on the couch…because Jess needed space. She needed to figure her life out without him or Jay, or anyone, trying to push her towards what they wanted for her.  
And right now what he wanted for her was keeping him awake.

He got up and checked the door again. No one in the hallway, he locked it back up. He crossed to the window and scanned the street and sidewalks below. Nothing out of the ordinary.

As soon as the sun came up, he would find Danny, the little weasel, and get him to the courthouse to testify. No way was the loser skipping out on the trial just because Jess hadn't sold enough product to keep him and his supplier happy. And as soon as the trial was over, and Danny had given the eyewitness account of the murders, Adam was going to wring his scrawny, rotten, lying, worthless—

"Adam?" Jess' voice was soft, but it was enough to jolt him out of his thoughts.

"Hey, darlin'," he said, crossing to her. "You having trouble sleeping? You OK?" He quickly scanned her, looking for tremors, pallor, clamminess that would tattle of a nightmare. Or worse, her need for drugs.

"I couldn't sleep. I was thinking," she started. She pressed her lips together and glanced down, drawing in a breath. "I want to go to the trial."

Adam tried to keep his face neutral. He held back the instant refusal he wanted to say. "You don't have to. You aren't going to be called as a witness."

Jess' delicate jaw set and she met his eyes. "I need to be there. I need to…to face what I ran from. The shooting, the violence," her voice trailed off. She took a steadying breath. "Danny." She couldn't hide the fear that flashed when she said his name and her hand started to reach up toward the cut on her face before she caught herself and gripped her hands together.

"Adam," she said softly, "I can't keep running. I need to get back to living life." She ducked her head and Adam almost missed her next words. "I like you. I want to try for something normal. Something with you."

While Jess kept her gaze averted, Adam did nothing to hold back the grin that split his face. "I like your plan. Something with you sounds alright."

She met his eyes and hope had the corners of her mouth lifting.

#

Jess wanted to run. She reminded herself again that wasn't an option. Not anymore.

She climbed the steps to the courthouse before she could turn back. Pushing through the doors, she got in line for the metal detectors. Her inner monologue continued until she got to the other side, reminding herself she could do this. It wouldn't be hard, she just had to sit in a courtroom.  
And see the two men who had gunned down two others right next to her. And see Danny on the stand while trying not to remember how he had landed a blow on the side of her head, followed by his supplier slamming her into the wall.

She couldn't do this.

She stopped in the cavernous hallway and closed her eyes. The inner debate warred.

She had to do this.

Shutting down the thoughts, she moved quickly to the right courtroom. She edged along the back wall and slid into a seat in the far corner. As far from the table the defendants would sit at as possible. Hopefully far from Danny.

The door opened and Jess risked a look, her heart rate picking up. A middle aged woman in a pantsuit came in with a briefcase.

Jess rubbed her clammy palms on her jeans and tried to calm her nerves. The door opened again and an older man with a mustache walked through. He worked with Jay. Alfred? Jess quickly looked away and ducked her head.

"Hey, Al," a familiar voice said.

Alvin. That was his name. One of the detectives that worked with her brother. And the voice belonged to Erin. Jess' heart sped up again, leaping into her throat with its bounding this time.

She had convinced herself she had the strength to face Danny and the dealers. But not her brother's coworkers. And definitely not Jay.

"Is Jay coming?" Al asked quietly as they walked past Jess without a glance.  
Jess could hear the wry smile in Erin's voice. "Voight has him at his desk today. He didn't want him anywhere near the guys who threatened Jess."

Letting out a small sigh of relief, Jess wiped her palms again as Erin and Al sat several rows in front of her. A raspy voice had her spine stiffening again.

"Ruzek and Atwater are outside with Danny. Nothing's going to blow this case." Hank Voight took the seat next to Erin and glanced around the courtroom. He paused when he saw Jess in the back, and his eyes narrowed at the cuts and bruise on Jess' face. Without taking his eyes of Jess, he said to Erin, "We're going to make sure these punks get locked up and Danny gets the message. No one messes with Halstead's sister."

Jess wanted to believe him. She felt uneasy with his direct gaze and closed her eyes with relief when he turned back around. Her palms were dry now, though. She didn't mind the security Sargeant Voight brought with his presence.

Around her, people started to stand and Jess got to her feet as the judge walked into the courtroom.

The doors opened one more time and Danny came in, framed by Adam and his partner. Danny's eyes widened when he saw Jess and Adam gave him a rough shove forward to keep walking. For Jess, Adam had a discreet wink.

Feeling like a bashful schoolgirl, instead of the drug addicted homeless wreck she was, Jess felt her cheeks warm. She sat when everyone else did and squared her shoulders. She was ready to face whatever came her way. She drew in a slow breath and exhaled. She hoped she could do it without the pills.

#


	23. Chapter 23

**Thanks for the kind reviews! They really mean the world to me! No spoilers here at all, but is anyone else thinking this is one of the best seasons of Chicago PD? I'm loving it so much!**

 **Happy reading!**

Jess made it through Danny's testimony. She even managed to listen to what he said, reliving the shooting, running through the dark streets away from the two bodies on the ground. As soon as he was off the stand, though, she stood and made her way to the door. She didn't slow down until she was outside, the fall sun bright overhead.

Her breath came in sharp gasps. Jess pressed a hand to her chest, trying to slow her heart.

"Jess!" Adam jogged down the steps to her.

Concern filled his eyes as he looked her over. "It's OK, you're OK."

Jess nodded, even as she struggled to catch her breath. "It's OK," she repeated. She even managed a shaky smile through her racing breaths. "I—I did it. Adam, I did—did it."

The worried creases on his face eased and Adam nodded. He rubbed his hands over her upper arms. "You did it."

"I didn't—" Jess tried to slow her respirations and tried again. "I didn't run."Adam's smile was warm. "Are you done running?"

Jess lifted her hands to his face, his stubble rough against her palms. "Adam, I want—"

A car door slammed. "What the hell, Ruzek?"

Jess hardly had time to look toward her angry brother before Jay pulled Adam away from her.

"Jay!" she exclaimed.

Adam didn't fight back, but didn't step away either. "Take it easy."

Jay looked at Jess' face. "What happened to you?" He swung around to Adam. "What happened to her?" he demanded.

"Are you accusing me of something, Halstead?" His eyes narrowed.

"Should I be?" Jay asked.

Adam stepped toward Jay then, but Jess put a hand on his chest. She looked at her brother. Her frustratingly overprotective brother. "Adam didn't do anything. Other than give me a place to stay. None of this is from him."

She immediately regretted her words when Jay's blue eyes hardened. "You were staying with him? He knew where you were? While I was looking everywhere for you?"

Jess winced. She looked to Adam and hoped he could read the apology on her face.

"Get in the car," Jay said.

"Jay—"

"Get in the car, Jess," he said again. "I'm taking you home."

Everything in her wanted to turn and run. Adam must have seen it on her face because he reached over and rested his hand on the small of her back. She reminded herself she was done running.

"I'm not going home with you, Jay," she said. It was a struggle to hold her feet still.

Jay looked at her like he didn't understand what she said.

"I'm going to Dad's. I'm going to stay there while I get things on track."

Jay was already shaking his head. "You tried that."

Jess lifted her chin stubbornly. "I don't need your permission."

Jay stared at her, holding her gaze. Jess didn't waver.

"Fine," he finally relented. "I'll take you to Dad's."

Feeling heady with victory, Jess pushed farther. "I'm going home with Adam to get my things."

The silence stretched as Jay stared at her. "Will and I are going to be checking on you. I don't care what you say."

Jess nodded.

With one last glare at Adam, Jay went back to his car.

Jess let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding.

"You sure about moving back to your Dad's?" Adam asked.

"No," Jess said honestly. "But I need to try. I need to get my life together."

Adam didn't argue. He folded his larger hand around hers and Jess relished the warmth. "You call any time. I'm not going to let you hit bottom."

With a nod, Jess promised. She sealed it with a kiss, pressing her lips against Adam's.

#

Routine. Routine had become her friend. Meetings on Monday mornings, Wednesday nights, and Friday nights. A run along the chilly lakeshore on Monday, Thursday, and Friday afternoons. Quiet afternoons with Adam on Saturdays and Sundays and whenever his schedule freed up during the week. And it was working. The craving for pills was less frequent. Less intense.

"Did you get to your meetings?"

Jess didn't bother fighting against the eye roll Will's question prompted. This part of her new routine she could do without. "I went to three this week. Just like last week. And the week before that."

Will smiled and ignored her tone. "I'm proud of you, Jess. You're pulling through like a real Halstead."

Jess pulled her clothes from the dryer and stuffed them into a laundry basket. The dryer door closing was loud in the otherwise quiet basement of their dad's house.

Will reached over and took the full basket from her. "Looks like more than what will fit in your duffel bag."

New clothes. A sign of her new life. Jess didn't tell Will that, just shrugged off his observation.

He carried the basket to the kitchen table where Jess pulled out a shirt to fold. Will reached for one and paused.

"New fashion statement?" he asked.

The shirt had a CPD vs CFD softball logo on the front. Ruzek was clearly emblazoned across the back.

Jess grabbed Adam's shirt from Will and quickly folded it. Adam would be over soon and she would give it to him then. She tried to squelch the smile that pulled at her lips when she thought of the news she had for him.

Will was studying her face intently. Jess lifted her eyebrows. "What?"

"You look good, Jess," he said sincerely. "I'm proud of you."

Uncomfortable with the praise, in spite of the warmth in her chest at his words, Jess shrugged him off. "That makes one of you," she muttered.

"One of who?" Jay demanded, coming through the back door.

Instantly Jess stiffened. She shoved Adam's shirt under another shirt, a move that she knew wasn't lost on Will.

"One of my brothers who isn't a pain in the—"

"OK, you two can ease up until I leave," Will said. "Do you want to tell me what has the two of you at a stand off?"

A knock and then a call from the front door interrupted the stare down between Jess and Jay.

"Hey darlin'! I picked up pizza. And brought your jacket, you left it at my place last—"

Adam's voice trailed off as he came into the kitchen and saw both Halstead brothers.

"Hey Will," he said. "Jay."

Jay didn't answer, just stared at Adam, his jaw tight.

Will stepped forward and held out a hand. "Hey, Adam. Good to see you again."

Adam shook his hand. Jess darted a look toward Jay.

His voice even, too controlled, Jay raised his eyebrows at Jess. "You left your coat at Ruzek's? When were you over there?"

"I didn't want to get into this with you, Jay," Jess said. She fisted her hands and took a breath. "Things are going good for me. Finally. And Adam's been by me the whole time. I…" She glanced at Adam, feeling tears push at the back of her eyes. "I love him," she muttered, too scared to look at Adam and see his reaction.

A familiar hand was taking hers, tugging her toward him. Adam's eyes were warm when she met them.

"Jay," Will said under his breath. A warning to take a beat, not jump toward Adam.  
Jay's entire body was tense, his eyes locked on Adam.  
Before she had to hear Adam's answer, or worse, his lack of one, Jess took a deep breath and spilled her news. "I got a job." She kept her eyes trained on her feet, unwilling to look up and see Jay's disapproval. She was only a month sober, he wasn't going to be thrilled with her mixing up her routine.

"That's great, Jess," Will said. "Did they hire you back at the pizza place? You loved working there in high school."

Jess rubbed her palms along the side of her jeans. "Um, no. It's a medic job." She could hear Jay draw a breath, ready to argue. She finally looked up and met his eyes. "It's what I know, Jay. What I'm trained to do."

Jay's jaw was set, his eyebrows raised. "You're going to work as a medic in Chicago? You're trading one war zone for another?"

"I…" Jess paused for another breath.

"What happens when you get called for your first gun shot victim? I can guarantee it will happen your first shift. What happens when the sight of the blood triggers a flashback? When you can't cope and turn back to using?"

Annoyance flashed quickly and Jess snapped, "Or maybe I won't have a flashback, Jay. Maybe I can deal with it. Maybe I was a good medic in Afghanistan and I can be a good medic again!"

Her words rang out in the tense silence that filled the kitchen.

Adam broke the loaded silence quietly, "Where are you working?"

Jess hesitated and Jay's blue eyes hardened. "Please tell me it's on the North side. Lincoln Park? Edison Park?"

"Firehouse 51," Jess said. When Jay opened his mouth again, Jess cut him off. "It's not the worst area," she reminded him. "And it's definitely no worse than the places your job takes you." Seeing that Adam looked about as convinced as her brothers, she tacked on, "Both of you."

"That's different!" Jay insisted, voice rising again.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Jess answered, shouting back at him. "I didn't realize you were in a different US Army than I was!"

"OK, let's just take a minute," Will said. "Jess, what about the stress of the job? What if it gets to you?"

She didn't want to answer to them. She didn't want to be their baby sister who they thought couldn't handle herself. She finally muttered the truth. "I told the chief about it. About everything. He's willing to give me a try."

"Chief Boden's a good guy," Adam said. He still looked concerned, but looked at Jay. "He takes care of his people."

Jay was shaking his head again.

"It doesn't matter what any of you thinks," Jess declared. "I got the job, I'm taking it, and I start tomorrow." She grabbed her basket of laundry and headed toward the stairs at the front of the house. "Thanks for your support. All three of you and your faith in me has been great. Really touching."

She heard Will and Adam call out after her, but let her anger carry her up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door behind her.

She dropped the basket of clothing on the floor and leaned back against the door. Her hands trembled as she lifted them to cover her face.

She had been so sure she could do this, that she was ready. She reminded herself that she was ready.

"I'm ready. I can do this," she told herself. The words rang hollow, her hands shook harder.

#


End file.
